Fmragtops Spews

Changes to Google Privacy Policy and Terms of Service

2012-01-27T04:39:00.001-08:00

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Dear Google user, We're getting rid of over 60 different privacy policies across Google and replacing them with one that's a lot shorter and easier to read. Our new policy covers multiple products and features, reflecting our desire to create one beautifully simple and intuitive experience across Google. We believe this stuff matters, so please take a few minutes to read our updated Privacy Policy and Terms of Service at http://www.google.com/policies. These changes will take effect on March 1, 2012.
One policy, one Google experience

Easy to work across Google Our new policy reflects a single product experience that does what you need, when you want it to. Whether you're reading an email that reminds you to schedule a family get-together or finding a favorite video that you want to share, we want to ensure you can move across Gmail, Calendar, Search, YouTube, or whatever your life calls for with ease.	Tailored for you If you're signed into Google, we can do things like suggest search queries – or tailor your search results – based on the interests you've expressed in Google+, Gmail, and YouTube. We'll better understand which version of Pink or Jaguar you're searching for and get you those results faster.	Easy to share and collaborate When you post or create a document online, you often want others to see and contribute. By remembering the contact information of the people you want to share with, we make it easy for you to share in any Google product or service with minimal clicks and errors.

Protecting your privacy hasn't changed Our goal is to provide you with as much transparency and choice as possible, through products like Google Dashboard and Ads Preferences Manager, alongside other tools. Our privacy principles remain unchanged. And we'll never sell your personal information or share it without your permission (other than rare circumstances like valid legal requests).	Got questions? We've got answers. Visit our FAQ at http://www.google.com/policies/faq to read more about the changes. (We figured our users might have a question or twenty-two.)

Notice of Change March 1, 2012 is when the new Privacy Policy and Terms will come into effect. If you choose to keep using Google once the change occurs, you will be doing so under the new Privacy Policy and Terms of Service. Please do not reply to this email. Mail sent to this address cannot be answered. Also, never enter your Google Account password after following a link in an email or chat to an untrusted site. Instead, go directly to the site, such as mail.google.com or www.google.com/accounts. Google will never email you to ask for your password or other sensitive information.

Political Humor

2008-06-16T20:51:00.000-07:00

Get your fix of great conservative political humor. You might also want to look at the great posts I found over there. It's definitely well worth it. There's some John McCain humor, making fun of the RINO bastard piece of crap that's indistinguishable from a Democrat. Some global warming satire that puts the enviro-nazis in there place. Barack Obama humor, to shed some light on how the Obamessia is nothing but an empty suit.

You can't go wrong with these great posts.

MOVED!!!! MOVED!!!! MOVED!!!!

2006-04-17T10:44:00.000-07:00

Fmragtops Spews has moved to http://fmragtops.com Please update your blogrolls, and don't be a stranger! In case you want to know why I moved, read this.

Dreams of Moving, the Interpretation!

2006-04-17T10:25:00.000-07:00

Dreamer turn out was rather low for the last dream interpretation on the old blog, and the first one on the new blog. I'm sure it's just confusion with the exodus from blogger, and the holiday weekend because I might be really depressed if it turned out people didn't want to participate.

Anyhoo, this will be my last post of any substance here on blogger. I will from now on post everything at the new and improved Fmragtops Spews. Now, On with the dreams!

_____________________

Sssteve: I had this dream that I ran over a pedofile and nobody cared.

FM: Was it really gorey and full of pain and blood? Cuz that would be cool.

______________________

FIAR: I had a dream that I was visitor #5000 to Fmragtops Spews and nobody cared, but I was really happy about the pedophile that got runned over.

FM: I think you are just exhausted from all the work you did on my new blog, because I cared that you were visitor #5,000. And thanks again for all the help.

______________________

The Anti-Hippie: I had a dream that "in those days, there was a mass exodus of disgusted bloggers leaving Blogspot." Or is that reality?

FM: Seems like reality....if you call like 7 to 10 people "mass". And would we be counting the sick f-k who got arrested for murdering his 10 year old neighbor in the mass exodus when he gets put to sleep?
______________________

linda: I dreamed I was duct taped to a chair and put in front of a tv that played "24" for 24 hours! I woke up wishing they were all dead--even Jack!

FM: Mr. Bauer, I just want you know that Linda does not speak for me. I would never want you dead. I am of no threat to you, at all. I'm an insignificant microbe, seriously check TTLB's link on my new blog. Mr. Bauer, *sniff, sniff* Please don't kill me!
______________________

Well, that's it! Goodbye Pedophiles-R-Us! Hello own domain!

Carnival of Comedy is up!

2006-04-13T22:46:00.000-07:00

The Carnival of Comedy is up at Point Five. Go get teh funny!!!!

Dreams of Moving

2006-04-13T22:21:00.000-07:00

H/T: Radioactive Liberty

Alright folks. I have made a decision on where I'm going to spew from now on. I went with ANHosting by midPhase, and have decided to use WordPress's software. I'm still waiting on my new Domain Name to do whatever it is those things do before you can use them.

Hopefully I won't wake up to find out this all a dream. If so, it's a nightmare. I think I may have bitten off more than I can chew. There is more info on this than my tiny brain can process, so again, any tips would be appreciated.

Since I am moving, and I have no idea how long it's going to take for me to get the new blog up and running, I've decided to make this the last dream interpretation I'll do on Blogger.

Leave me your dreams in the comments section, and Monday I will post my expert analysis of these dreams. And as always, you gets the linky love for participating.

Trackbacked On Point Five

UPDATE: The new digs

Blogger Is Hosting A Site For Pedophiles

2006-04-13T17:26:00.000-07:00

H/T: Stop The ACLU

Blogger is hosting a blog for pedophiles, and I'm going to have to quote Eric Cartman, and say, "Screw you guys, I'm going home!" If they refuse to remove this blog, I'm gone. There are too many other places to host blogs.

Check out the last line of the description of their blog:

In a wider sense this refers to erotic/mentor/spiritual love between adolescents and adults. Building Bridges!

Another thing I found interesting is this reference to the "Boylove Code Of Ethics" (Which sounds like an oxymoron):

6 - Boys should not be treated as sexual objects to be enjoyed at the whim of a boylover.

Duh, you twisted pervert!

There is another line on this blog that I think I have heard somewhere before:

In other words, just because we have a sexual attraction to boys (that we did not choose to have) does not mean that we have the right to pursue a sexual relationship with a boy. That isn't to say that the sexual relationship in itself is wrong. Emphasis Mine

It seems I have heard that line used to justify another alternative lifestyle. Not to equate homosexuality to pedophilia, but these pervs are trying to use the same reasoning. It don't wash.

In conclusion, I don't get how Blogger can host such bile. If they choose to continue to do so, I'm leaving. Not that it will make a difference to Blogger, but I choose to not be a part of anything that associates itself with pedophilia. I've said this other places, but just to make sure you all know where I stand on this: Anyone convicted of a sex crime against a child should be executed. No treatment, no therapy, no rehabilitation, and no recidivism!

UPDATE: I have already designed my new blog in preparation to leave blogger if they do not take action on this.

UPDATE2: Below is a direct copy and paste job from my communication with Blogger on this subject -

Subject: I am about to leave Blogger
Date: Wed, 12 Apr 2006 12:45:44 -0500

To whom it may concern:

I am preparing to leave Blogger. It has recently come to my attention that
you are hosting a blog dedicated to promoting
pedophilia.

I am fully aware that your company has the right to host any blog you so
choose, but I am also aware that I have the right to not associate myself
with those that promote pedophilia. I am shocked, and apalled that
Blogger,a company that I thought was reputable, would host such offensive, and
illegal content as if the internet isn't already dangerous enough for
children. If something is not done about this soon, I am leaving Blogger.

And here is their Response:

Blogger Support to me
5:19 pm
Hello,

Thank you for your note. Blogger is a provider of content creation tools,
not a mediator of that content. We allow our users to create blogs, but we
don't make any claims about the content of these pages. In cases where
contact information for the author is listed on the page, we recommend
working directly with this person to have this information removed or
changed.

Sincerely,
Blogger Support

I pretty much figured this would be the type of response I'd get. Luckily I am already set up at another host. As soon as I get the fine points hammered out, I will let everyone know. I'm hoping the next dream post will be at my new blog. (probably wishful thinking.)

UPDATE 3 I don't know if I should be proud of this, or worried.

Trackbacked On Basil's Blog

Suggestions Please....

2006-04-12T11:54:00.000-07:00

As I noted in the post below, I am thinking of leaving Blogger in light of their hosting of a blog for pedophiles. I have been experimenting with WordPress' free service, but I'm not entirely satisfied. I like most of the stuff with WordPress, but, and I may be wrong about this, it doesn't appear that you can tweak your template. Does anyone have any suggestions, or advice for finding a new home for my spewage?

[Politics] The Roach Motel That Is New Orleans

2006-04-11T09:06:00.000-07:00

We can bus 'em in, but we can't bus 'em out.

According to an article in The Advocate, Civil Rights organizations are chartering busses to bring displaced New Orleanians back to vote. Why couldn't they get these people busses to evacuate?

Easy, our corrupt incumbent politicians can't hold on to their jobs without these displaced voters, but they could care less about the actual well being of the people that keep them in office. Politicians like "Katrina" Mary Landrieu, and Governor Kathleen Blabineaux-Bunko can't be re-elected if they don't have a herd of sheep that they can bus to polls and tell them how to vote.

This is how it's always been. The DNC, and civil rights groups send busses into the the inner-cities to bus people to the polls so they can vote democrat. The only difference is now, they are bringing them in from further away. The thing that gets me is that they plan to vote for the same people that abandoned them in their time of need.

One of Nagin’s best-known competitors, Lt. Gov. Mitch Landrieu, opened a new campaign headquarters Monday in Baton Rouge at 6002 Perkins Road, Suite B-3...

All of them [the displaced voters that spoke with the Advocate] expressed strong interest in the election, saying they vote in almost all of them. They split their votes between Nagin and Landrieu, or would not say whom they were voting for.

Jesus H. Christ. And we wonder why Louisiana is so f-ed up. No matter how our politicians screw us, we just keep on voting for them.

An Article in Time Magazine further documents Ray "Willy Wonka" Nagin's status as the fromt runner in the mayoral race in New Orleans:

In the aftermath of Katrina, Republicans and conservatives watching the black exodus savored the idea of winning back the city. But as it turns out, the poor and dispossessed, who suffered the most from the mishandling of the Katrina aftermath are turning out to be ardent supporters of Nagin — at least based on the wobbly numbers available.

I love my home town. I love my state. I just hate stupid people.

--
Posted by fmragtops to Politics at 4/11/2006 08:34:00 AM

[Therapy] Dream Interpretations: Total BS Edition

2006-04-10T16:52:00.000-07:00

Ladies and Gentleman. Tonight it is my distinct displeasure to announce that tonight's guest dream interpreter is none other that Britteney Speares! She said I made her look silly in the last interview, and I owed her the chance to redeem herself. Brit, say something to the nice people:

BS: Howdy, y'all. I'm here to help Fm with his dream interpretaions. I am soo dag gum happy to be hear. I'm as happy as an ethiopian with a...uhhh...hockey stick! C'mon Fm, let's do them dreams!

Yes, lets (rolls eyes) Anyhoo, I hope you enjoy tonights BS edition of dreams interpreted.

_____________________________

jimmyb: I had a dream where I had a job impaling hippies, but instead of a union guy, I was a scab!!

Whatever can this mean?!?!?!?

BS: Impaling hippies? I thought hippies was awready purty pale.

FM: No Brit, he means, killing hippies by inserting a spear in them.

BS: You can die from that?

FM: Well, Jimbo, I think this maybe an unconscious manifestation of growing frustration with the UAW. Since it is run by the hippies, and they are having a hard time keeping people employed out there, your anger is coming out in the form of this dream.

BS: Seriously, you can die from havin' a long, hard, spike drivin' through yer body? I don't buhleve that. I'm still here ain't I?

FM: Moving on....

_______________________________

von: I dreamed that I got a bunch of email, and just deleted it without reading it.

The catch is that I thought it was real, and sent the "sender" an email asking to resend the emails that I deleted. Since it was just a dream, the "sender" replied wondering what the hell I was talking about.

BS: I do that all the time with my fan mail. They are always about impalin'.

FM: *slaps forehead* *sigh* Yes dreams can seem very realistic, and sometimes you're not sure what is dream and what is reality.

BS: This one time, I had this here dream that a talking corn dog proposed to me and I accepted. I married the corn dog, and he knocked me up, and...

FM: Yes, I can see how that applies here, Brit.

_______________________________

zombiesilas: So...is this a Special Edition of Dream Interpretations...or a Special Dreams Intrepretations Dream Interpretations?

Cause there is a difference...

BS: That ain't no dream. What the heck you sposed to do with that?

FM: Zombie man is reader, and even though he didn't leave a dream, I'm using this opportunity to give him a link.

BS: You shore are a nice guy. Are you gonna give me a link? Hehehehe

FM: Sure, here ya go.

_______________________________

linda: I haven't been able to dream since your last interpertation. I wake up wondering where my dreams went. I don't blame Bush, I blame you! Dream-snacher!

BS: That Bush shore is somethin' else. It prolly is his fault you can't dream no more Linda.

FM: I'm sorry, Linda. I didn't mean to have such an adverse effect on your dreams.

BS: It is hard to get ole FM off yore mind ain't it. He's kinda cute.

FM: Brit, that's enough. My readers want their dreams interpreted, not their previously digested food on their keyboards.

_______________________________

Sssteve: I dreamed that as I walked from one end of my warehouse to the other, pieces of me began to fall off my body, when my head finally fell off my body i looked back and saw that I was strewn from one end to teh other. HELP me O mighty Decipher of Dreams!!

BS: Wow, that's a crazy dream you got there. I got nuthin'.

FM: Well, it sounds like you may be overstressed at work. Too many people pulling you in too many directions. Maybe you should move some of your tasks to the back burner for awhile, or participate in an activity that relaxes you.

BS: WOW Fm, you cum up with that all by yoreself?

FM: Nope, you did.

BS: Man, I'm getting smarter the more I cum around you.

________________________________

SeanS: I had a dream that I was a cobag. I don't know what it is but apparently it is a bad thing.

BS: A cobag? I ain't real shore what that is. Is that like a little handbag to keep make-up in?

FM: No, it's short for collostamy bag. Used by libtards in namecalling contests. Oh, and never end a sentence in a preposition.

BS: A prepo-what?

________________________________

FIAR: I had a dream that I lost control of my car, but then everything was ok, as I realized that only dirty hippies were being hit by the runaway car.

BS: Why are you fellers so mean to them dang ole hippies? They just want us to give peas a chance.

FM: Was it an SUV? You know those things drive themselves and have a will of their own. They are satan's minivans.

BS: Whoa! I got one of them saturn minivans. I better go check where it is!

FM: Calm down. That was a little attempt at sarcasm. And it's "Satan's Minvans" not Saturn minivans.

________________________________

Insolublog: I had a dream that I saw a news clip of Ted Kennedy smuggling his WMD liver past the Capitol hill police, waddling out to the center of the senate forum, and shouting:

"Allah Akubar!"

moments before he exploded it.

BS: Them ole Kennedys are always in trouble.

FM: While Ted's liver is most likely classified as a chemical agent by those who classify things, I would imagine it's deteriorated past an effective point and is no longer in danger of killing innocent bystanders. But, I would be wary of Ted anytime he tries to lure you in a car.

BS: What?

FM: Say goodnight Brit.

BS: Goodnight Brit.

__________________________________

Wow. I am glad that's over. I hope you enjoyed the dreams tonight. Come back next week when I will try out a new stupid gimmick to get more people to read. Good night, and...Aw forget it.

Note: The standard disclaimer applies; this is total BS. If you beleive that any of this is anything other than the insane ramblings of an ego-maniac, please kill yourself as to not infect the rest of the gene pool.

--
Posted by fmragtops to Therapy at 4/10/2006 04:34:00 PM

Public Service Announcement

2006-04-10T08:26:00.000-07:00

Ladies and Gentleman, before I post the dream interpretations I wanted to call your attention to something. The Anti-Hippie has just made me aware that received an anonymous comment on his site telling him to wish me congratulations for getting back together with my ex-wife.

First off, let me assure you that I am not back together with my ex-wife. I have no plans of getting back together with my ex wife. And, I do not have any desire to get back together with my ex-wife.

As to who left the anonymous comment? I imagine it would be my ex-girlfriend. She is seeing someone else now, so I can't imagine why she feels it necessary to try to embarass me. I have done nothing to make a public mockery of her. I haven't even posted her name here. All I have done since she told me she was seeing someone else is avoided her. She is banned from commenting here, btw, for making similar comments.

Please, I ask everyone to disregard any anonymous correspondence sent to them about me. Disregard any correspondence from unknown sources about me. Especially since this will probably get worse from here on out.

To she whose name must not be mentioned: It's OVER. You have a new boyfreind. Leave me alone. Quit calling. Quit e-mailing. Quit acting like a spoiled brat. Go trash me on Myspace, if you want. That's your realm. I don't go there. Stay the hell outta mine.

Impressive

2006-04-07T15:44:00.000-07:00

As some of you may be aware, Shoot A Liberal has had an on going troll problem. Because of said troll problem, SeanS has invited Steve The Pirate and me to guest blog. STP laid the proverbial smack down on one such troll. I thought it was quite impressive. Go check it out.

[Therapy] Special Guest Dream Interpretaions

2006-04-07T06:57:00.000-07:00

It's Friday again, time to leave me your dreams. Put em in the comments section and Monday evening my special guest, and I will interprate your dreams. And hand out the linky love.

Who is this mystery guest, you ask? Well, that will remain a secret until Monday. Let's just say for now, you know her.

--
Posted by fmragtops to Therapy at 4/07/2006 06:53:00 AM

[Indescribable] A Brief History of F M Ragtops

2006-04-05T17:46:00.000-07:00

For those of you who do not know Monsieur F.M. Ragtops is a native of Louisiana. Now we're talking French here, but there's a difference between ordinary French and Cajun French, and Mssr. Ragtops is the latter.

You see, French of the traditional surrender monkey variety, are from France, where they get 26 weeks paid vacation, and have laws against firing the incompetent. They also have short work weeks, as an effort to reduce unemployment. The thinking being that if everyone only works 20 hours a week, then you need to hire twice as many people. The fact that they are already half as productive, by default seems to escape them.

Louisiana French, however are descendants of a rare breed of Frenchmen. Their ancestors had to have courage, survival skills, a sense of adventure, and a set of balls big enough to face hostile Natives demanding they pay up on their gambling debts. Think about it, the mere voyage across the Atlantic was treacherous. So while the cowards stayed at home, surrendering to... Everything, a few courageous Frenchmen settled in America.

The French, in France, also did their best to lop off the heads of anyone with any sense of silly concepts like freedom, and liberty. This had a serious negative impact on the gene pool as well. So that's a little background on FM's cultural heritage.

Now, back to FM himself. Despite those who surmise that his name means F*** Them Ragtops (ragheads), or those who think it might have to do with enjoying listening to FM radio in his convertible (ragtop), his name actually is F.M. Ragtops. That's right. Francois Maurice Ragtops - pronounced Razh-Toe. Little known, but entirely true.

FM was born in a swamp, or as they call them, bayou. I mean IN a swamp. It's common practice in the area, that when a child is to be born, the pregnant mother rows out in a small boat, and when the child is born, it must first survive the swamp, and all it's dangers on it's own, thus proving it's worth. If the child succumbs to drowning, or crocs, it is considered "too French," and is not even mourned.

The next 20 some years are a bit sketchy, but ultimately, he rose to the lower middle of the blog O'sphere, had kids, lots of bad relationships, and started claiming his name was Brant. Yeah right. Lot's of French named Brant. Got a bridge to sell me too, FM?

So there you have it, the history of F.M.Ragtops, as brought to you by Radioactive Liberty Industries. Hopefully now, you're just a little bit ~~dumber~~ smarter.

[Therapy] Sorry Took So Long, But The Dreams Are Here...Finally!

2006-04-03T19:36:00.000-07:00

Well, the young'un seems to be doing better. Sorry it took so long, to get this posted, but the young'uns come first. I had a dream tonight. I dreamt that I could get through the next episode of 24 without seeing Jack Bauer wearing a purse. I was awakened by an unkown assailant with dirty blond hair hitting me with a man purse, and shouting "Stop dreaming, NOW!"

Anyhoo, on with dreams!

_________________________________________

Sssteve: I had a dream last night that when I visited So. California I had to speak in spanish because nobody spoke english.... No wait.. that actually happened!! Sorry!!

FM: No harm no foul, chief. But what did you expect going to a foreign country?

_________________________________________

Steve the Pirate: I had a dream two nights ago that I was in JC Penney shopping for jeans, accompanied by my wife and Chuck Norris.

I'm serious. It was a real dream.

TELL ME WHAT IT MEANS!!!

FM: I need more information. It appears you've been having lots of nightmares lately, and you had to hire Chuck Norris to be in your dreams to protect you. Either that, or you're just freakin' nuts.

________________________________________

SeanS: I had a dream that you came and blogged on my site. It was good.

FM: That is a good dream. Too bad we had to come back to reality with me stinkin' up the joint.

_________________________________________

jimmyb: I had a dream that immigrants were pouring over the borders, and Republicans were sucking up and pandering to them.

What a goofy dream, huh?

FM: JIMMY!!!! WAKE UP !!!! LET US OUT OF THIS F-D UP DREAM!!!!!

_________________________________________

The Anti-Hippie: I had a dream that I got a date for prom!

And she was hot, and life was good.

FM: Well, that dream is pretty much self-explanatory, just don't sleep too long on it. You have to wake up before you get married, or the dream will turn into a nightmare.

_________________________________________

FIAR: I had a dream where everyone lived in peace and harmony. At first I thought it was Hippy Hell. Than I realized that there were no Hippies in this world, and that is why it was so peaceful.

Could this dream ever come true?

FM: Yes, if my Chiatops Pet Of Woe © catches on like Ipods.

_________________________________________

Flowers Bloom: I had a dream that a world without Hippies was a violent, desolate hell where no one had any rights, and there was no love at all.

FM: And?

_________________________________________

Isis: I had a dream where I ate some tasty, delicious moonbats. Deep fried, barbecued, baked, and basted.

Mmmm. Moonbats.

FM: Have you ever tried moonbat cooked over an open fire on a spit? It's absolutely delicious. But you got to baste it regularly with a sauce with high sugar content. Moonbat is so mushy, without that bark from the caramalized sugar, it'll fall off the spit.

_________________________________________

Well, there it goes for this week. Next week, I'm going to have a special guest dream interpreter. She said I owed her because she granted me a couple of interviews, and this will be me paying her back.

--
Posted by fmragtops to Therapy at 4/03/2006 07:24:00 PM

[Therapy] I Have To Apologoze...

2006-04-03T07:14:00.000-07:00

My youngest is sick today, and I am about to bring her to the Dr. Dreams will be a little later. At least now, you've got some extra time to get your dreams in so I can interprate them. The interpretations should be up after lunch some time. I apologize for any indifference you have experienced.

--
Posted by fmragtops to Therapy at 4/03/2006 07:12:00 AM

Oh My God! The Tigers Are Dead...

2006-03-31T12:20:00.000-08:00

It's worse than I thought. Out of ESPN.Com's panel of experts, all but two picked LSU to beat UCLA. Two more picked LSU to win the whole tourney. Even worse, The latest Sportsnation Poll has 38% of voters picking LSU to play Florida in the finals. Crap! Well, it was a great run while it lasted. Maybe the baseball team will get us another national championship.

UPDATE: The Tigers have died. They got the snot beat out of them. Thanks Dicky V.

[Therapy] Dreams Interpreted Here

2006-03-31T08:41:00.000-08:00

With my recent additions to Shoot A Liberal and Radioactive Liberty some of you may wondering where the dreams are going to be. The dreams are staying here. It's the only almost original thing I do. Besides, would you really want my dream interpretation follishness on your blog?

Anyhoo, leave your dreams in my comments section, and I will interprate them Monday evening. And as always, I will give out the linky love. Let the dreams commence!

--
Posted by fmragtops to Therapy at 3/31/2006 08:38:00 AM

[Indescribable] Look Out Jimmyb

2006-03-30T20:47:00.000-08:00

Wow, I am now a guest blogger on two different blogs. Radioactive Liberty and Shoot A Liberal! I want to thank SeanS for allowing me to post to his blog. Y'all go check it out. Look out Jimmyb, I'm gaining on ya. I only 9,231.6 more blogs to go, and I'll be a guest blogger on as many blogs as jimmyb.

--
Posted by fmragtops to Indescribable at 3/30/2006 08:42:00 PM

[Filthy Lies] Weekend at Glenny's

2006-03-30T19:43:00.000-08:00

A Filthy Lie

Once again, I have enlisted the services of my surveillance dung beetle, Algore, at the behest of Overlord Harvey at The Alliance. Harvey posed the question, and I'm paraphrasing, what kind of fun stuff does Evil Glenn do on the weekends? To answer this question, Algore was able to swipe last Saturdays pages from Evil Glenn's day planner. The following is a direct quote:

5:00 am - Satanic Ritual of the Flies

6:00 am - Gather neighborhood puppies for breakfast

7:00 am - Blend neighborhood puppies into smoothies

8:00 am - Dance the Robot

9:00 am/10:00 am - Boil bodies in turpentine.

11:00 am/1:00 pm - Lunch

2:00 pm - Feed left over turpentine-body sludge to hobos at soup kitchen

3:00 pm/5:00 pm - Laugh gleefully while enjoying the gruesome deaths of said hobos.

6:00 pm - Collect stomachs of said dead hobos to make purses for instagranny and her friends

7:00 pm/9:00 pm - Make hobo stomach purses.

10:00 pm till - Sleep and dream of hobos writhing in agony from eating turpentine-body sludge.

That Glenn Reynolds is one sick SOB. I hear on Sundays he skins the dead hobos to make people suits out of them. Is there any depth too low for Evil Glenn? Heh, doubt it.

--
Posted by fmragtops to Filthy Lies at 3/30/2006 06:43:00 PM

[Indescribable] Paying Off?

2006-03-28T11:02:00.000-08:00

Either my writing has taken an upturn, or all my bitching is paying off. First I take a sixth place in the man's weekend caption contest. Then I get a seventh place AND third place in GOP and College's weekend caption contest. Look out Wyatt, and jimmyb. I might be gaining on you...but I doubt it.

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Posted by fmragtops to Indescribable at 3/28/2006 10:50:00 AM

[Indescribable] Guess What....

2006-03-28T06:40:00.000-08:00

VENGEANCE IS MINE! MUAHAHAHA....AAAAAHAHAHA...HAHHAHA!!!

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Posted by fmragtops to Indescribable at 3/28/2006 06:38:00 AM

HMMMM????

2006-03-27T12:00:00.000-08:00

Oh and don't forget FMRAGTOPS 3:16

[Politics] Stupid New House Bill

2006-03-27T11:24:00.000-08:00

Unless you live in Louisiana, you probably don't care about this. It caught my ear this morning on a local talk radio show. HB 1010, by Rep. Gary Smith(D of course), is a bill that aims to outlaw smoking in a vehicle with children under the age of 18 present. Here's an excerpt:

§300.3. Smoking in motor vehicles prohibited; penalties

A. It shall be unlawful for the operator or any passenger in a motor vehicle to smoke cigarettes, pipes, or cigars in a motor vehicle, passenger van, or pick-up
truck, when a person younger than eighteen years of age is also present in such
vehicle, regardless if the windows of the motor vehicle are down.

Worse yet, this is to be considered a "primary violation" which means you can be pulled over and ticketed for just this. Even worse still, Louisiana is one of the states where our supreme court considers a vehicle an extention of your home.

I don't know how many of you are seatbelt law and helmet law supporters. To those of you that are, spank you very much. As you can see, it's not a far leap for the state of Louisiana to start regulating smoking in people's homes.

My state sucks so hard! With all the other problems going on around here, our lawmakers have busied themselves with legislation to stop smoking in cars where minors are present. And we just keep on electing idiots like this. I wish so badly I could leave this state.

Louisiana politicians sit around and wonder, "Why do our best and brightest students leave the state?" My response is look in the effing mirror you criminal! Am I the only person who views this as madness?

UPDATE: A new stupid bill being pushed through the House, HB 500, sets a program in which families of traffic fatality victims can pay up to $100 to have a memorial sign put up at the sight of the accident.

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Posted by fmragtops to Politics at 3/27/2006 10:55:00 AM

Kiss Of Death

2006-03-27T05:50:00.000-08:00

I know, I should be happy that LSU is in the Final Four, completely against everyone's predictions, except mine. Normally, I would be pounding my chest, and saying how there is no way an SEC school is going to lose to PAC 10 school. Especially, a California school. The problem is, LSU was given the Kiss Of Death yesterday. Allow me to explain.

I watched The Sports Reporters on ESPN yesterday, and all four of the guys were saying that LSU could win it all. That's pretty bad, bit's not the Kiss Of Death. The Kiss Of Death came when I heard Dick Vitale say that he thought LSU was going to beat UCLA.

That's it! We're done for! Anytime an LSU team, any team, gets picked by a majority of major sports analysts to win something, they don't. Look at the football team. Most people picked them to beat Georgia in the SEC championship, and Georgia drummed 'em. I think they're still pissed about 2003 when LSU drummed 'em in the regular season, and drummed 'em worse in the SEC championship game. Then everyone picked Miami in the Peach bowl, what happened? LSU gave them the worst beating Miami had taken all year, and probably the worst in the last 10 years.

Anyhoo, I know John Brady feels like Fredo in the Godfather II, now.

[Therapy] Happy Dreams

2006-03-27T05:44:00.000-08:00

Here come your happy dream interpretations from a happy guy.

SeanS: I had a dream that Helen Thomas was interviewing me and I shot her in her fat head because she wouldn't shut up.

FM: Well, Sean, I've always heard that if Helen Thomas visits you in your dreams, you would die for real. I think it's like, she uglies you to death or something. I guess your shooting her saved your life.

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FIAR: I had a dream that I was kidnapped by terrorists, and when I was rescued, I sobbed uncontrolably, and showered gracious praise upon my heroic rescuers. (This seemed like an entirely natural response)

So, my question is, why do you suppose I dreamt that I was kidnapped? Is this a portent of things to come? Should I be afraid, very afraid?

FM: I wouldn't worry if I were you. Nope, nothing to worry about what so ever. It was just a dream. Feel free to continue to leave your doors unlocked, or at least continue to leave that key under the planter to the left of your front door. You can sleep soundly tonight knowing that your dream of being kidnapped, is just that, a dream.

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von: I dreamed that I kidnapped someone, and they were sobbing and begging for their "release." Finally, I got so tired of hearing them whine that I just let them go.

FM: You're a nice guy von. If I kidnapped someone and they cried and begged alot, they would get impaled, and possibly fed to some type of large meat eating animal.

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Tyler D.: All I know is that I had nothing to do with your post rejection.

Is Fitch's site down?

FM: What post rejection? I know not of which you speak...Oh the B4B post rejection. To tell you the truth I had forgotten about that over the weekend. C'est la vie. Right? No need to seek revenge against Fitch because he was included and I was left out right?

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linda: I dreamed that Wyatt was an underwear model, signed to do a commercial for Hanes. The day they started shooting it, he dropped his Hanes and yelled "Yeah baby, I've got your law of the land right here!" Is this a sign that the end of the world is near?

FM: linda, is it just me, or have your dreams had a lot of sexual overtones lately? Not that there's anything wrong with that, i'm just worried about you, that's all. I mean, I like reading SYLG as much as the next guy, but Wyatt's never made any naked cameos in my dreams. Oh, and I would imagine that Wyatt being an underwear model might a sign the apocolypse is near, but I suspect your dream is not the frst time he's dropped trow in an attempt at humor.

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I know I probably seemed a little miffed last week, but no worries. I'm fine. I had forgotten the rejection, and pain that I suffered last week over the weekend. (sentence structure is lacking, but you get my meaning, right?) Anyways, I'm okay now, so tune in this Friday for the next round of dream interpretation.

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Posted by fmragtops to Therapy at 3/27/2006 05:34:00 AM

[Therapy] Dreams Of Vengeance

2006-03-24T12:11:00.000-08:00

Since the Carnival of Bauer rejected my last 24 post, but posted Fitch's last 24 post, I have been dreaming of revenge. I imagine that he gets lots of traffic directed his way from B4B's signature carnival, yet I am left here to squirm in reletive anonymity. I feel so hurt and rejected, but I will have my vengeance. My dreams have foretold it. Damn you Fitch!

Anyhoo, it's friday. Time to leave your dreams in my comment section so I can hand out the quality dream interpretations, and dreamy linky love. The type of linky love that I didn't get from the Carnival of Bauer! I will have the interpretations posted Monday. And just FYI, the linky love ain't that dreamy, but it's linky love. It's like sex and pizza, the worst you ever had is still pretty good.

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Posted by fmragtops to Therapy at 3/24/2006 11:56:00 AM

[Politics] Embarrassing

2006-03-24T06:51:00.000-08:00

Being from Louisiana, I've had a front row seat to hurricane Katrina, and the corrupt Louisiana politics that followed. Louisiana has a long history of political corruption, and the perception isn't going to change any time soon.

Since Katrina, Louisiana's corrupt, weasely politicians have been asking the federal government, charities, and it's own citizens for more and more financial aid. When the White House resists, our worthless elected officials cry like teenaged girls whose dad won't let them borrow the car for the weekend. They whine, "You don't love us!" and rale against President Bush as being some cold hearted monster that wants to see the gulf coast fall off into the Gulf of Mexico. Frankly, it makes me sick.

Just for the record, nobody that I voted for, higher than the office of Sheriff, got elected. I voted for nobody that is currently in office at the state level. Ya know what that tells me? I live in a state filled with idiots.

My mom, the woman who turned me onto conservatism when I was fourteen by always listening to Rush Limbaugh, e-mailed me something this morning. My mom is the woman who deprogammed my mind from the public school system's liberal indoctrination. So when she talks, or e-mails, I listen. I'd like to share this e-mail with everybody. Maybe you've gotten this chain mail already, maybe you haven't. If you haven't thought about the funds being spent in New Orleans in this fashion, you need to.

Here's something thought provoking -

The next time you hear a politician use the word "billion" in a casual
manner, think about whether you want the "politicians" spending your tax money.

A billion is a difficult number to comprehend, but one advertising agency did a good job of putting that figure into some perspective in one of its releases.

a.. A billion seconds ago it was 1959.

b.. A billion minutes ago Jesus was alive.

c.. A billion hours ago our ancestors were living in the Stone Age.

d.. A billion days ago no-one walked on the earth on two feet.

e.. A billion dollars ago was only 8 hours and 20 minutes, at the rate our government is spending it.

While this thought is still fresh in our minds, let's talk about

Louisiana Senator (D), Mary Landrieu's proposal. She's asking the Congress for $250 BILLION to rebuild New Orleans.

Interesting number, what does it mean?

Well, if you are one of 484,674 residents of New Orleans (every man, woman, child), you each get $516, 528.

Or, if you have one of the 188,251 homes in New Orleans, your home gets $1, 329,787

Or, if you are a family of four, your family gets $2,066,012.

Politicians in Washington, D.C. !!!...........................Are all your calculators broken????

Maybe everyone should just flood their houses, then we can all be on the "big easy" street for the rest of our lives, and forget about working, and paying taxes and all that useless stuff!

It makes me want to scream. We have a republican house, senate and president, and we can't spend federal dollars any more effectively? Why can't we get a true Rheaganite to run for office? This just makes me sick.

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Posted by fmragtops to Politics at 3/24/2006 06:35:00 AM

Geaux Tigers!!!!!

2006-03-24T05:22:00.000-08:00

I know my blog isn't usually sports related, but damn it, it's my blog, and I'll blog about whatever I want. Though I don't blog about it much, I am a big sports fan. Especially an LSU fan. LSU put a whoopin' on the number one overall seed in the NCAA tournament, Duke. Now is the time to talk smack.

As I said on GOP and the City in the comments section of this post, there are alot of disappointed people that picked Duke to beat LSU. Luckily, I'm not one of them. I could hear the brackets being torn up as the last few seconds ticked away last night, and it sounded frikkin' sweet!

So, look out Texas! There's a three hundred pound baby coming to help you pack your luggage for the trip home.

Ask And Ye Shall Receive

2006-03-23T06:11:00.000-08:00

Here ya go Jimmyb:

Church Sign Generator

Not too tasteless is it?

H/T: zombiesilas

Man, I Rock

2006-03-22T06:21:00.000-08:00

I just checked out GOP and The College's caption contest, and I freakin' won! I can't believe it. There were so many good entries, I didn't think I stood a chance in hell. Especially considering I have only had one top ten in the man's caption contests. I'd like to thank the little people that helped me on the way up. I'd like to thank my mom, and my dad. And to all the haters, I wanna say, I got my victory, now I'm just laughin' at y'all!

[Therapy] I Thought I Had Relationship Problems...

2006-03-21T13:04:00.000-08:00

After watching last nights episode of 24, I have started realizing that my love life isn't all that bad. I mean the women I have dated recently have lied about normal stuff. You know, saying they're divorced and they're not, it's not you, it's me. Some of those things have been somewhat painful to me. But Jack Bauer made me think last night.

Now that Audrey "Penis Nose" Rains is a terror suspect, I had to remember Jack's past relationships. He was married to Teri Bauer, but while seperated due to marital problems, Jack became involved with Nina Myers. After Jack and Teri get back together, Teri and their daughter Kim, get kidnapped. While kidnapped, Teri has sex with a terrorist to keep him from raping Kim (which anyone knows wouldn't really work because rape is about power not sex), and gets knocked up. After escaping she tells Jack that he is gonna be a daddy again. Now that's effed up! Later we discover that Jack's former mistress, Nina Myers is a terrorist. She proceeds to killing Teri in the season finale.

Next, there's Kate Warner. Kate comes from an white, upper class family. Her daddy has CIA contacts, and her little sister is about to marry an arab. You would think little sister's fiance was a terrorist, you're wrong. Little sister is the terrorist. Jack has to shoot her in the arm, and then torture her to find out where the bomb is. Then he puts her prison for, like, ever. I'm not sure what happens to Kate. She's in the game, but you get to save her, and I don't remember her being in season three. As a matter of fact, it's been a long time since I watched season three, so I don't really remember that much about it.

Then there's season four. The introduction to Audrey "Penis Nose" Rains. She is married to Paul Rains. She is cheating on Paul Rains with Jack. Jack finds a connection between Paul and the terrorists, let's face it what man wouldn't in Jack's shoes. Jack gets to torture Paul Rains. That must be fun putting a stripped, plugged in lamp cord to the nipples of your main rival reletive to your new girlfriend. Anyhoo, we find out that Paul isn't a terrorist deuche, but he gets shot, and the latest snitch gets shot. The Dr.s can only save one, so Jack lets Paul die to save the snitch. I mean, what's wrong with that? Really? She got all pissed at him, so he fakes his own death, and goes into hiding.

Season five, Jack is found living with a wholesome single mother that seems to really care about him, but Jack gets pulled back in to fight more terrorists. In process he get's the latest squeeze's teenaged son held hostage by terrorists. He saves the boy, and returns to CTU where he tells squeeze that he thinks he's still inlove with Audrey "Penis Nose" Rains. She skips town so as not to get got by terrorists, and to let Jack's romance with PN play out. Jack tries to extract information out of a former co-worker, and shoots his wife in the leg to get him to talk. It doesn't work, he doesn't talk, and he shot his buddie's wife for nothing. Of course I too have buddies whose significant other I'd like to shoot. Anyhoo, ;ast night, he breaks up the relationship between a German operative and a terrorist to extract info from said, really hot, terrorist. She informs him that PN sold her the info she brokered to Warlock, the main terrorist.

Jack's women are getting kidnapped, and knocked up by terrorists. Killing each other. Selling info to terrorists. He shooting his friend's wives, and breaking up his peer's relationships. On top of all that, his daughter doesn't want to be around him. I guess it's not so bad being lied to about normal stuff, and having a daughter that just stands around on the field at her soccer games.

Jack Bauer has saved my life and he doesn't even know it. Jack has made me realize that my relationships aren't all that bad, so here's to you Jack. Thanks for helping me out!

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Posted by fmragtops to Therapy at 3/21/2006 12:27:00 PM

[Therapy] I Give You Dreams Now!

2006-03-20T09:03:00.000-08:00

Well, a rather disappointing turnout for this week's therapy session. Well, I did the best I could with what I had.

zombiesilas: Dude, I dreamed I was sitting on the front porch watching these Turkey's take up roost in this really tall tree we have. and my wifes recently departed grandmother walks up, sits on the swing next to me, and says in her TN Twang " Don't let death bind you up, honey. Your going to have to deal with it again in the morning". And then she gets up and walks away.

What the hell did that mean?

FM: Hmmmm....Since your wife's grandmother is from TN. and was probably part of "The Solid South" which voted all Democrat back in the day, this sounds like more Democrat fear mongoring. Or it could mean one of your turkies is going to fall out of the tree and die. But judging by the symbolism of the tukies and the tree, I have no idea.

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SeanS: I had a dream that I left my blog to be attended by Steve the Pirate and he only posted once.

Probably becuase that's what I did when I babysat his blog.

FM: Your dream is a premonition of Steve boarding your blog, hijaking it, and making you walk the plank.

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The Anti-Hippie: I had a dream that at least half the teachers at my local college are flaming Reds...

FM: Were they actually on fire? Cuz that would be cool! Fire is cool. Now have a dream where they are impaled AND on fire, then it would be really cool!

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FIAR: I hope I'm not too late.

I had a dream that we got these new French doors, and installing them was a breeze. So I decided to try it for real. Now instead of old, crappy doors, or nice, new ones, I have no doors.

Are my dreams being controlled by Democrats? I ask because my dreams are clearly lying to me, just like the Democrats.

FM: I'm suprised the French doors didn't surrender and install themselves. I think your dreams ARE being controlled by the democrats. George Sorros in particular. I think it's a plot by the Democrats to get rid of all doors and make it easier to steal private property through the Kelo SCOTUS decision. I suggest tin foil hats, and possibly a tin foil cup. Because as we all know, democrats can F**k up a wet dream.

Well, I hope you four feel better now. Now go forth, and lead a productive life now that your psyche has been repaired! Tune in next week when I do this again.

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Posted by fmragtops to Therapy at 3/20/2006 08:56:00 AM

[Indescribable] OMG! Am I hearing things?

2006-03-17T10:36:00.000-08:00

OH MY GOD, DUDE!!!! Am I wrong, or was that Laid to Rest by Lamb Of God playing when Rush came back in from the 12:15 obscene profit break? Now that frikkin' rocks! I don't know why that gets me all excited. I guess I feel like Rush has nads to let his people play that kind of music considering alot of his audience are christians that would likely be offended. Laid to Rest is the ringtone on my cell, BTW. Anyhoo, I'll stop rambling about stupid stuff now. Oh, and not that it's any suprise, but they are freakin' flaming liberal whackos.

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Posted by fmragtops to Indescribable at 3/17/2006 10:23:00 AM

[Therapy] It's been a busy week, Time to dream.

2006-03-17T10:19:00.000-08:00

You leave dreams now! I interprate later! Like Monday.

If you don't let me interprate your dreams, you could be slung off the rest of your life, and c'mon, do you really want that?

Leave your dreams in my comments section, and I will clean and press them, and return them to you with plenty o' linky love!

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Posted by fmragtops to Therapy at 3/17/2006 10:14:00 AM

[Politics] An Interesting Link

2006-03-17T10:14:00.000-08:00

A guy e-mailed me this link to a humorous, satirical political party test. Most of what I read was pretty funny. It's really long, and I heaven't read the whole thing. Read it at your own risk. Let me know what you think.

THE SATIRICAL POLITICAL BELIEFS ASSESSMENT TEST: A Humorous Political Party Quiz to Test If You're an Archconservative, Leftwing Wacko, Antigovernment Libertine or a Commie Sympathizer

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Posted by fmragtops to Politics at 3/17/2006 10:11:00 AM

[Politics] You Vote Now!

2006-03-14T11:30:00.000-08:00

Hey, I saw this over at Right Truth. I thought it was interesting. Exercise your rights, vote now, or be impaled!

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Posted by fmragtops to Politics at 3/14/2006 11:21:00 AM

A Technical Question

2006-03-13T12:57:00.000-08:00

It appears that my blog is sick. I imagine it's a problem with my template. For some reason, the bottom posts on the page are being cut off. Does anybody have any idea what could be wrong, or how I could fix it? Any assistance would be appreciated.

[Indescribable] I Don't Know If I Buy This...Stupid Quiz!

2006-03-13T07:41:00.000-08:00

It must be a liberal quiz!

You Are 82% Evil

You're the most evil person you know.
The devil is even a little scared of you!

How Evil Are You?

HT The Anti-Hippy

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Posted by fmragtops to Indescribable at 3/13/2006 07:39:00 AM

[Therapy] Like, wow, man. I am like uber-smart, dude!

2006-03-13T06:49:00.000-08:00

Like, wow, man. You guys need help. All these violent dreams about eating meat. Are you guys like, neanre...uhh neant....uhhh cavemen? You need my hippy, love and insight to straighten out your karma man.

linda: Since Ssssteve is busy with his donuts, let me be the first!

I dreamed I was ice skating, about to do a triple sow-cow and all of a sudden, Tonya Harding was skating after me with a black stick screaming, I'm a winner, I'm a winner! I was shaking when I woke up!

FM: Like, whoa man. Peace. What's with all this violence? Can't we all just get along? If you would smoke a "j" maybe your dreams wouldn't be so, like, violent.

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FIAR: I had this dream that I bought a crock pot to cook with, but every time I plugged it in, I saw Jill's face, and it would say, "Please don't eat me" in it's little goat voice. Should I take the crock pot back and exchange it for a new one?

FM: Meat is murder, man! That's like your conscience telling you not to eat meat! Vegan is the way to go man. You should like meditate so your karma doesn't overwhelm you man...overwhelm....???? I know you can be overwhelmed, and underwhelmed, but can you be just like whelmed, man?

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Sssteve: Ohh interprater of dreams! Please help me out here! Last night I was dreaming that I rolled up Linda in some batter and fried her then ate her! And now I have indegestion, can you help me ohh Seer!!

FM: Free love isn't for everyone, man. Maybe you need to like, change your grease more often, man.

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linda: Help me, Obi-Won fm, had a nightmare I did! I was being chased by Ssssteve, dressed like Tonya, with a black skillet, intent on doing harm to my sweet little ole person! Can you help me--afraid to close my eyes I am! (Where's a Wookie when you need one?!)

FM: Linda, like you and sssteve need to just like, get it on, and get it over with man. All this pent up sexual angst, is like, toxic man.

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GunnNutt: I had this, like, dream you know? And, like, everyone was chasing this poor little goat 'cause they had the munchies from this killer hash. And this goat's name was Doctor Jill or something. Whoa man, it was really tripping me out when the goat said "can I have a donut?" and we were all like, "No man, goats eat, like, grass 'n stuff". It was freaky, man!

I think I'm going to be sick...

FM: Man, you need to like, make sure you keep the goat away from the stash man. Goats will eat all your grass, and like, not even give you any.

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The Anti-Hippie: I had a dream in which I beat a hippy with his own bong... then Officer Rabbit and I made him eat the whole bag...Err... smoke the whole bag. Shoulda stood upwind. Hehe

FM: Like man, what's with violence dude? How could beat a hippy? They are all about peace and love man. Just because we're into communism doesn't mean we're like Joseph Stalin, man. You're karma is gonna like get you man. *Ouch* Damn it, quit hitting me with my bong, man. Can't we all just get along....

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..........No....stop......AHhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!! Whew. Man, what a nightmare. I don't remember much of it, but Why do I feel like I've been hit with a bong, and need a shower? No more left over pizza just before bedtime.

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Posted by fmragtops to Therapy at 3/13/2006 06:39:00 AM

[Therapy] Like, whoa, man, Dreams Are So Trippy

2006-03-10T11:05:00.000-08:00

Like, welcome man. It's, like, time for me to interprate your dreams in groovey ways. Like, drop your dreams of peace and love in the harmonious comments section, and I will interprate them Monday morning.

I had this really groovey dream where there was no capitalist greed anymore, and drugs were legalized. There was no more government, and each person produced enough to give to everybody relative of their needs man. And every body traded goods and services equally, and there was no money. Now, that everything is all groovey, leave me your dreams.

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Posted by fmragtops to Therapy at 3/10/2006 10:58:00 AM

[Politics] Roe V. Wade In Danger?

2006-03-10T10:49:00.000-08:00

Mike over at The Deep Freeze brought up the new South Dakota abortion ban. Mike asserts that this issue won't be setteled until there is a constitutional ammendment on this issue. I'm not trying to slam Mike, or even include him in this statement, but I think most people miss the point when it comes to abortion. Most people talk about abortion in terms of morality, and that is completely valid. When it comes to the demise of Roe V. Wade, there is a more substantive constitutional issue in play.

I don't believe that a constitutional ammendment is such a cut and dry thing. Besides the fact that abortion is such a polar issue, and a constitutional ammendment for this specifically would be next to impossible, depending on which side of this issue you're on, there may already be an ammendment.

The way I've understood this issue is that Roe v Wade is based on the idea of a constitutional right to privacy. This argument has been waged in the media on the grounds of morality when there is a very substantial constitutional issue here.

Pro-choicers believe that the constition's fourteenth ammendment grants a right to privacy that a ban on abortion would violate. Pro-lifers believe this right to privacy doesn't exist.

AMENDMENT XIV
Passed by Congress June 13, 1866. Ratified July 9, 1868.

Note: Article I, section 2, of the Constitution was modified by section 2 of the 14th amendment.

Section 1.
All persons born or naturalized in the United States, and subject to the jurisdiction thereof, are citizens of the United States and of the State wherein they reside. No State shall make or enforce any law which shall abridge the privileges or immunities of citizens of the United States; nor shall any State deprive any person of life, liberty, or property, without due process of law; nor deny to any person within its jurisdiction the equal protection of the laws.

The Roe V. Wade decision also cites the ninth ammendment:

Amendment IX

The enumeration in the Constitution, of certain rights, shall not be construed to deny or disparage others retained by the people.

Correct me if I'm wrong, but there doesn't appear to be any right to such privacy. Let's look at this a bit at a time.

1.)No state shall make or enforce any law which shall abridge the privileges or immunities of citizens of the US.

a.)Does a ban on abortion infringe upon this line? Am I wrong when I say it doesn'?

2.) nor shall any State deprive any person of life, liberty, or property, without due process of law

b.) Sounds to me like ABORTION violates this part of the ammendment. How could a ban on abortion deprive someone of life, liberty, or property?

3.) nor deny to any person within its jurisdiction the equal protection of the laws.

c.) It seems to me that as long as it is illegal for anyone to get an abortion, then there is no way an abortion ban violates this. Am I wrong?

From everything I've read in the constitution, I haven't seen the right to privacy espoused by pro-choice advocates. Not that it's up to me, but as far as I'm concerned this appears to be a states rights issue, and should be handled at that level. Let's not forget the tenth ammendment.

Amendment X

The powers not delegated to the United States by the Constitution, nor prohibited by it to the States, are reserved to the States respectively, or to the people.

It's my ever so humble opinion that the tenth ammendment takes care of abortion at the Federal level. If I'm wrong, please enlighten me.

Just so I'm clear, this isn't an attempt to slam Mike, I just think the constitution already addresses this issue. I don't believe that crap that the constitution is "a living document." People will usually argue that without new ammendments to the constitution, there would still be slavery, and "seperate but equal." As far as I can tell, that if the Constitution had been interpretated correctly from the beginning we never would have had those things. Again, if I'm wrong, please straighten me out. I'll be sharpening my impaling pikes while I wait for replies. *Buahahahahaha*

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Posted by fmragtops to Politics at 3/10/2006 08:41:00 AM

[Filthy Lies] The Evil Glenn Spinn Machine

2006-03-09T08:22:00.000-08:00

An Alliance Filthy Lie Assignment

It appears that The Evil Glenn has decided to hire a PR firm to try to improve his image, to somehow spin away his misdeeds. Sounds like a crock to me, but I'll play along. I have been able to get an interview with the Evil One's minion, Abey Finkelstein:

FM: Good morning Mr. Finkelstein, I appreciate you taking the time.

AF: It's my pleasure. That's my job, you know? I'm here to get the word out that Glenn Reynolds is an A-OK, stand-up guy.

FM: Well, does that mean that the Alliance is having an effect on Mr. Reynold's?

AF: Absolutely not. Look, the fact of the matter is that Mr. Reynolds is becoming a pseudocelebrity, and is thinking of venturing into some different ventures, like acting, and politics. He hired my firm, Dewey, Cheatum, & Howe, to give him some positive press to increase his chances of success in his future ventures.

FM: I thought he sold his soul to Satan to increase his chances of success.

AF: What? What are you talking about? Glenn Reynolds has never met Satan, for anything other than to have coffee and discuss current events. They're just friends, not master and servant, and anyone who says different is a liar.

FM: What about this letter to NASA in which he states the Dark Prince has foretold of his running of NASA?

AF: No, no. You misunderstand. See "The Dark Prince" aka Satan who is called by his friends "Sat Dawg" didn't give Mr. Reynolds the job, he just foretold Mr. Reynolds receiving the job. They are hardly the same thing.

FM: I see. Well, how do you answer the accusations that Glenn blends puppies into shakes?

AF: Absolutely preposterous!

FM: I have a picture.

AF: Yes, but the post clearly states that it is a lie.

FM: WHAT! DID! YOU! SAY!?

AF: I said the person who wrote this, that FrankJ person, is a liar.

FM: RAAAARRRRRR!!!!!!

*sounds of a struggle*

AF: What are you going to do with that piiiiiiiiiiiaaaaaaaaaakkkkkkkkkk!!!!!!!

FM: NEVER EVER EVER EVER TALK BAD ABOUT FRANKJ OR YOU WILL DIEEEEEEEE!!!!

*gurgle, rattle*

FM: You will make a nice addition to my forest of woe.

Well, that didn't quite go like I planned. I wonder if The Evil Glenn will blend my puppies for impaling his PR rep? Anybody know how to get the bloodstains out of sheetrock?

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Posted by fmragtops to Filthy Lies at 3/09/2006 05:52:00 AM

[Politics] Political Trash Talkin' From Iran

2006-03-08T06:45:00.000-08:00

Islamofascists are pretty good at killing unarmed civilians, violating human rights, and generally acting like animals. They are not, however, very good at talking smack. After all, it is the ability to talk trash that separates us from animals. Look at this quote from the Associated Press:

Iran threatened the United States with "harm and pain" Wednesday for its role in hauling Tehran before the U.N. Security Council over its nuclear program.

Harm and Pain? At least we had "Shock and Awe." I mean President Haji couldn't come up with something better than "Harm and Pain?" I think we need to start exporting the WWE to Iran. Maybe it will help with their trash talking. At least Saddam could talk a good game. He had Tariq Aziz, king of the haji smack talkers. Maybe Tehran should hire ole Tariq...oh no wait. We killed him didn't we.

Alright president Haji, repeat after me, "Mr. Bush, we will lay the smack down on your rooty-pooh candy ass!" or this other fave of mine: Next time you have a televised press conference, wave four fingers in front your face and say, "You can't see me." Try this one: "That's bottom line cuz Teh-ran sez so!"

Now I'm not saying better smack talking will help Iran in their quest for nuclear weapons, or keep the U.S. from getting it's shock and awe on all over Iran's rooty-pooh candy ass, but better trash talking would make it much more interesting.

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Posted by fmragtops to Politics at 3/08/2006 06:22:00 AM

[Indescribable] I Am So Proud Of Myself!!!

2006-03-06T11:45:00.000-08:00

Hey, check it out. I actually cracked the top ten in GOP and The City's Weekend Caption Contest. I came in 8th place, my best finish yet. Y'all are slippin', letting me make the top ten with an obscure "Kids in the Hall" reference.

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Posted by fmragtops to Indescribable at 3/06/2006 11:41:00 AM

[Indescribable] I Wonder How Goat Tastes?

2006-03-06T10:21:00.000-08:00

Since Dr. Phat Tony has started a drive to SAVE JILL I've been wondering how goat tastes. You see, SAVE JILL is a program instituted by the good(?) doctor whereby his readers can donate money to save a cute little goat named Jill. If enough money is not raised, DPT will kill Jill and have her for dinner.

This goat eating thing has peaked my interest. My next door neighbor has recently acquired some goats. They appear to be really young, not that I know that much about goats and their ages, but these goats get close to the fence and my dogs start barking like crazy. I've spent many sleepless nights contemplating the demise of these goats.

Of course after contemplating which method I should use to dispatch these goats, I started thinking how to cover my tracks. When Dr. Phat Tony posted his SAVE JILL post, I figured eating the evidence might be worth a try. The main problem is, I don't know what goats taste like.

Has any of you eaten a goat? Do they taste good? I figured I'd inject them, put them on a BBQ pit, and slow smoke them for a day, or so. Any other suggestions?

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Posted by fmragtops to Indescribable at 3/06/2006 10:04:00 AM

[Therapy] Dream Interpretation Made Difficult

2006-03-06T06:23:00.000-08:00

Are you ready to have your inner-most thoughts analysed on the internet? I mean it's not like many people will see them here. Anywho, I'll shut up now, and give you your dreams:

Dr. Phat Tony: I have a dream where Jill no longer has to worry about becoming a dinner.

FM: And I dream of a world wherein I can get ransom money to not kill a cute animal.
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linda: I dreamed I was on American Idol and when I got up to sing, nothing came out when I opened my mouth!

FM: I bet Simon wasn't very impressed. Then again, if we look deeper into this dream, it seems maybe you have unlocked the secret to why I hate American Idol. A bunch of wannabes singing stupid pop songs. If there was ever nothing coming out of someone's mouth, it's when they sing a Brittaney Spears song...Then I again, I bet nothing comes out Brittaney's mouth either.
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von: No dreams...at least none that I can remember, or that aren't x rated!!!

FM: A man without dreams is like jelly without a doughnut.

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SeanS: I had a dream in which I was a secret agent and was chasing a bad guy though a back alley. The best part was the gun I had. S&W .44 magnum. It made the bad guy explode.

FM: Exploding bad guys? My dream guns never work properly. Either the trigger doesn't pull, or the bullets don't fire, or no matter how many times I shoot the bad guy, he just won't die. Subsequently my analysis of your dream is that it is better than mine.

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GunnNutt: I had a dream about a hippy dirtbag Geography teacher who spewed hippy propaganda to his students until one of them told his dad. The parents then chased the bad guy with pitch forks and pikes. SeanS finally made him explode in an alley with a shiny S&W .44 magnum. Hooray!

FM: Unfortunately that's just a dream. But I'm feelin' ya. It would be nice if we could return to the days when villagers chased monster Jay Bennish with torches and pitchforks. But it would also be nice if he were impaled on a pike. Something mideivel needs to happen to his ass.

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FIAR: I had a dream that I woke up and all of a sudden it was Sunday afternoon. Where did the time go?

FM: That's not a dream. Don't you know the Joooooos are stealing time. That's right, they have stolen your time and deposited it in one of those Swiss bank accounts. It's a Zionist conspiracy perpetrated by the military industrial complex! Oh crap! I said Zionist conspiracy AND military industrial complex. I guess I have to impale myself now.

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The Anti-Hippie: I had a dream that I got A's in all my classes by doing nothing... So much for that fantasy. :-P

FM: Are you in pubic school? i Wint 2 pubic skewl" and maad strate cees da hole time i wuz thurrr w/out do in to much* Ass u ken see" i come thorough allrite? Mebay oui shud let da gubment take over health care so as dey can du even gooder to da health care dan dey do to skewl!
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There we go again ladies and gentlemen. Tune in this Friday when, in an effort to know my enemy, I will try to interprate dreams from a hippy's perspective.

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Posted by fmragtops to Therapy at 3/06/2006 06:00:00 AM

[Therapy] Bring Out Your Dreams...Bring Out Your Dreams...

2006-03-03T06:42:00.000-08:00

Well, it's Friday again. Time for all of you to gather 'round and lay your mysterious unconcious thoughts on me. Let me into your head and I will decode your sleeping mind.

*sounds of a struggle*

*sounds of a hippy being severely beaten*

*Hippy death rattle*...Stinkin' hippy...

Sorry folks, some hippy got ahold of my computer. He's now impaled on a spike outside my office. I will now accept your dreams. Monday I will interprate them. Aren't hippy impaling dreams nice?

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Posted by fmragtops to Therapy at 3/03/2006 06:30:00 AM

[Indescribable] I've Been Being Jack Bauer

2006-03-02T08:07:00.000-08:00

I've recently purchased 24: The Game for PS2. All in All, a pretty cool gaming experience. I'm a bit weary of the obligatory driving levels and puzzle solving levels (diffusing bombs, hacking stuff, repairing files) give me a running gun battle any day of the week, but the gameplay is still pretty good. I mean, who doesn't want to be Jack Bauer for a while?

Another gripe I have about the game is that you're not always playing as Jack. Sometimes you're Chase "Lefty" Edmunds, sometimes you're Tony Almeida, Michelle Desseler, Kim "I need a wardrobe malfunction" Bauer, and at times even the techies. There's a little more sneaking than I like, but you are Jack Bauer after all. You can't be Jack without sneaking around somewhere.

The story is pretty good, it's set between seasons two and three. It runs just like a season of 24. It's one day broken down into hours which are broken down into different plot lines. The story is a little far-fetched even for 24, but it's not bad. They do the clock with the split screens broken into the different plot lines. They do the "The following takes place between..." I'm currently between 2:00 am and 3:00 am. Most of the voices seem to be done by the actors form the show.

The biggest plus of this game is the action. Lots and lots of action. Most of the missions where they tell you to move undetected, you can still turn the level into a running gunfight, and shoot your way through (My preferred method). You get to interrogate people, but you don't get to torture them like Jack. No lamp cords on the nipples, no threatening to cut eyes out, just determining aggressiveness of the questioning based on the bio-read outs of the suspect.

All in all this a great game. You get to blast bad guys. There are new puppet masters being uncovered all the time. Jack saving his loved ones by subverting "protocol." I love this game, and I definitely recommend it to all you 24 fans out there.

UPDATE: Here's a link to the game's website. It appears that it is only on the PS2 platform.

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Posted by fmragtops to Indescribable at 3/02/2006 07:43:00 AM

[Indescribable] My Blog Interview

2006-02-27T14:34:00.000-08:00

Well, I have read my blog interview at Basil's Blog. I thought it was very well done, and I endorse it whole heartedly, but you should go check it out anyway. You'll laugh, you'll cry, you'll fall asleep. Seriously, if you're suffering from insomnia, read a few lines and you'll be sawing logs in no time. Anywho, maybe you'll get a glimpse into how someone could be so mediocre.

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Posted by fmragtops to Indescribable at 2/27/2006 02:30:00 PM

[Therapy] Dream secrets, revealed!

2006-02-27T05:48:00.000-08:00

Well, here it is. My dazzling pearl of wisdom, or idiocy, whichever you prefer.

jimmyb: I have a dream in which liberals cast off their racist attitudes, and embrace true equality for everyone.
Is this possibe, or is it one of those pipe dreams?
(I don't smoke a pipe, or anything else, BTW.)

FM: Well, jimmy, the answer is yes. This can be achieved once all the liberal, terrorist appeasing, race baiting, @$$hats have been assimilated into our conservative view, or become extinct. However, I do not feel this is something we should wish for. Just think, there would be nobody left to fisk. Now what fun is that?
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von: The other day I dreamed that my wife and I had kids with gigantic noses. It was really weird.

FM: I feel this dream must be a manifestation of your subconscious feelings of superiority. Your childrens' big noses represent how they would see the world. Looking down their noses. Or it could mean that your just weird.

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Anonymous: I dream the day when men quit being dogs and stop chasing the cat.....and I guess, peace!

FM: While some men are have these urges to conquer hard-wired into their psyche, many men these days, men such as myself, have overcome these ancient behavior patterns and are quite capable of having a monogamous relationship. I see your peace and raise you pieces.

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FIAR: I had a dream that I used to blog for free. But all that changed one day and blogging began to cost money. This much is essentiall true. But then Every time I went to pay for something, I had no money. I would look online for my account balance, and it would say "$0.00" All funds have been relocated for your pointless blogging activity... Stupid."

Can I at least not be called stupid by my bank?

FM: I think this dream stems from the diabolical Zionist conspiracy of the joooooos taking over blogging.

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Sssteve: One time in band camp.... oops wrong confession!!

Once I had a dream that people were accusing me of having sexual relations with a girl in a blue dress. Interpret that one for me Ohh great Ragtop!!

FM: This is just your subconscious mind dealing with the anxiety caused by your aspirations to run for the presidency.

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linda: I dreamed I had a blue dress that someone was always borrowing and everytime I wanted to wear it, it was missing!

FM: As long as it's not stained you'll be okay.
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SeanS: I had a dream that my teenage kids were actually behaving themselves for once. They were being nice to each other and polite to others.

When will my dream come true???

FM: When a monkey comes out my butt.

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Tyler D.: When we had little puppies in the house and needed to house train them, we used these super absorbent pads. I always ended up cleaning the pads. Well, one night I had a dream I was the one to use the pad. A #2 at that. What does that mean?

FM: Clearly you have a deep seeded fear carneys, you know, circus folk. They smell like cabbage. They're nomads, you know.

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Nightcrawler: Last night, I had a dream that I was playing with this really sweet .22 semi-automatic. It had a super-crisp trigger that broke at something like 3 pounds of pressure, ambidextrous thumb safeties and beveled magazine well. It was set up for a red dot sight but had a great set of tritium night sights on it and a utility rail for a light/laser.

The only question I have is: Why was it a damn .22 instead of a .45 or a .50?

FM: Well, your mind is preparing itself for the future dream you will have where you assassinate someone, all up close and personal, like. Nothing better than a .22 SR in the head at point blank range, and .22 is much easier to secret away, and to silence. Hopefully it will be a dirty, Marxist, hippy. For my money, though, I'd rather impale a hippy. It sends a message to the other hippys that their flowers and petchuly oil will not be tolerated.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I hope I have in some small way eased a part of your worried minds, or at least I hope you didn't vomit. Also, don't forget, my interview on Basil's Blog should be up. Go check it out.

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Posted by fmragtops to Therapy at 2/27/2006 05:31:00 AM

[Therapy] A time for dreams

2006-02-24T05:10:00.000-08:00

Alright! Back by popular demand, dream interpretation. Leave me your dreams in the comment section, and Monday, I will interprate them for you. Try to keep them moderately clean.

You know, I once had a dream in which I was being chased through a labyrinth by a mob of undead hippys being lead by Hillary Clinton, they cornered me, and then I woke up? What do you think they were going to do to me?

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Posted by fmragtops to Therapy at 2/24/2006 05:09:00 AM

[Indescribable] Something light

2006-02-22T05:43:00.000-08:00

Wow, I got two trackbacks on my second post back. I'm touched. Both Basil, and Fitch gave me the hook-up, and how could I not mention jimmyb's hook-up for my first back. I'm alos proud of the wonderful response I got with the...uhhh...responses.

Just a reminder, don't forget to check out my interview at Basil's Blog this weekend.

I have three questions for everyone:

1.) What is your name?

2.) What is your quest?

3.) What is your favorite color?

Answers in the comments section.

Update: The interview will be published 02/25/06

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Posted by fmragtops to Indescribable at 2/22/2006 05:33:00 AM

[Terrorism] Why Iraq....Again!

2006-02-21T06:13:00.000-08:00

Before I start I just want to thank everyone for welcoming me back. It means a lot to me, sincerely, thank you.

Today I would like to explain to those that may be reading my ever-so-humble blog, and thinking, "My God, this man is a raving right wing fascist bushitler apologist!" why Iraq was a great move in the war on terror.

This isn't the first time this topic has been discussed. You've heard the arguments for and against action in Iraq. From WMD's to links to terrorism this thing has been talked about and reasoned till most of us are tired of hearing about it. The bottom line is that whether you believe there were WMD's or links terrorism or not depends on whether you believe the intelligence or not. Let's face it, few of us could have seen or ever will see the WMD's or links to terrorism for ourselves with our own eyes.

Iraq war detractors will tell you there were more immanent threats than Iraq. Countries that were and still are more hostile towards our interests than Iraq. Countries like Syria, Iran and Saudi Arabia. Most people agree that those countries have done more to offer aid and comfort to terrorists than Iraq. I don't disagree. But I want to show you something. Something that you can see with your own eyes that in my mind, make Iraq a no-brainer in the Global War on Terror.

Look at Irag's borders

Look at that! Iraq shares a border with Iran, Syria, Saudi Arabia, Jordan, and Kuwait. Can you not see that if we develop a stable base of operations in Iraq, it will greatly ease operations into these other countries? We're on the path to war with Iran right now. I had always thought Syria would be the next country to receive the smack down, but it looks like it will be Iran.

If you couple Iraq's location with the fact that Iraq was a mostly secular government with a modern financial system, you get the best possible option for a base to launch middle eastern operations into these other pro-terrorist countries. This stuff seems pretty simple to me. Maybe it's just me. Maybe I am just a raving right wing fascist bushitler apologist.

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Posted by fmragtops to Terrorism at 2/21/2006 05:43:00 AM

I'm Back Beyotches...And I've quit pouting

2006-02-20T07:51:00.000-08:00

Yes, ladies and gentleman, I have returned to blogging. Why have I returned to blogging, you might ask. Well, I figgure with me back in the blogosphere, it will lower the curve, and make you all look better. Well, that, and my interview on Basil's Blog is coming up. That's right, I think this coming weekend my interview will be posted at Basil's Blog. Just make sure you get over there and check out the answers to all the questions you were indifferent to asking me.

You may also be thinking, "Hey, why doesn't he delete all that pouty sissy crap in the other posts." Well, that way i'll remember how absolutely stupid I allowed myself to get.

Well, that's it for today, tune in tomorrow when I will tell you all something really not very interesting or funny.

Revision

2005-12-13T06:20:00.000-08:00

I did some thinking last night, and though I still plan on taking an extended leave of absence from blogging, I can't go out like that. All depressed and miserable, and most of all, to be that way because of a fucking woman! WTF?! I have completely lost track of who I am. You don't come from a background like mine with a proclivity for weakness. So if I have to leave Mudvayne lyrics as last words, forget IMN (Though that song totally rocks), it's just not me. So please allow me to re-sign off with, Not Falling by Mudvayne:as always, lyrics are graphic

Always known in all my time, a little right of center now.
Reflect as I realize that all I need
Is to find the middle pillar path, to sit like the sun by a star in the sky
and just be.
Sinners, casting stones at me!

I, I stand- not crawling, not falling down! I, I bleed- the demons that drag
me down!
I, I stand (for nothing)! Not crawling (the center), not falling down! (Of
calms within the eye!)
I, I'll bleed (for no one)! The demons (but myself) that pull me down...
For me and no one else.

Goodbye sunshine, I've put it out again, SAD!
I'm over, personalities conflicting, I don't need you or anyone but me.
I'll just be living my own life. I feel my glowing center grow.
Infecting, I feel alive. Shovel dirt over lime.
Plant it in myself to sit like a seed under covers of earth and just be.
Sinners, point your fingers at me!

I, I stand- not crawling, not falling down! I, I bleed- the demons that drag
me down!
I, I stand (for nothing)! Not crawling (the center), not falling down! (Of
calms within the eye!)
I, I'll bleed (for no one)! The demons (but myself) that pull me down...
For me and no one else.

Come play kill. Refuse my body, refuse my shadow!
Stone cold will. Refuse to lead this, refuse to follow!
Bitter pills - refuse to feed this, refuse to swallow!
Come play, come play kill. Just be.

The bold word I changed. It is supposed to be "left" but you know I couldn't leave that.

The End Of Fmragtops

2005-12-12T05:45:00.000-08:00

I'm calling it quits today. At least for awhile, but before I go, I want to let you all in on some of the matter that composes who I am.

As a child, I was always learning on a more advanced level than most of the other kids. I was over weight, and I was that kid that was always turning his tests in before everybody else. My teachers always told me that I had a God-given gift for learning. I won't say which teachers told me that so they don't get burned at the stake by the ACLU.

I grew faster than most of the other kids too. I was at almost the hight I am now by the time I was a freshman in highschool. By that time I was almost six feet tall and weighed 160 lbs. Growing that fast made me clumsy. It took awhile for my coordination to catch up to my body, but the highschool football coach saw me in a summer weight-lifting class, and I guess he thought I was going to keep growing until I was eighteen. He came and told me to come play ball for him.

Once I started playing football, I realized I was stronger than most of the other kids my age. Once my coordination caught up with me, I could run with most of the defensive backs that were my age. But, when I quit growing, and all the other kids I used to be bigger than got bigger than me, I became indifferent to football. That led me to my favorite sport to compete in, Bullriding.

By the time I was in college, I was a passable bullrider. I never truly committed myself to school because I had to concentrate I rode some, got bucked off some. Won some money, but probably spent way more than I won. I got face smashed, broke my leg, broke my foot, but kept plugging along. I competed for a very short time in the PBR. Eventually, I realized I would never be the next Tuff Hedeman, so I hung up my spurs, and tried to rededicate myself to school.

At twenty one, I was offered a job in law enforcement. I had never given much thought to being a police officer, but I decided to give it a try. Once I graduated the academy, and started working, I realized I was where I was meant to be. I was working for one of the more highly paid departments in the state. After a year and a half, I took the Sgt. exam, and was beat out by only one person. A veteran officer that had prior military, plain clothes, and supervisory experience. He's now a Lt.

Because of my high score on the Sgt. exam, I was made a field training officer. I got to train the new recruits who had just graduated the academy. I loved my job. I got disgruntled and disinterested at times, but I could never see myself working anywhere else. C'mon, where else could drive really fast, beat people up, and do something that truly made a major impact on my community.

During that time, I had also gotten married. We eventually had two beautiful children. I was loving life. Then, my wife got into a traffice accident. She started taking pain pills. As time went on, I noticed she was taking more and more medication. She got to the point where she was leaving the kids at the babysitter's for days at a time while I was at work. When I came home, she'd be passed out and barely breathing. I had sunk so low, that when I would hear her lungs rattling because she was so high on pills, I would pray that she would just die. I came from a broken home, so I felt it would be easier to explain to my kids that Mommy was with Jesus than to have to explain to them why Mommy and Daddy couldn't live together any more.

Eventually she got into an accident with my two year old daughter in her car. Then she got arrested for DWI. I realized it was no longer safe for my kids to be around her. I put her through rehab twice. After her first stint in rehab, the morning she got out, she and some crack whore she met in rehab got in wreck in a known drug area. I realized there was nothing more I could do for her, and left. That was almost two years ago.

Once I left, I filed for and obtained custody of my kids. I realized that the 12 hour shifts I was working were not going to allow me to raise my kids. They would also make it hard for me retain custody of kids. The department was in a budget crunch. There was no upward mobility at the department. I spoke with the rank, and at the time, they could offer no solutions. I had to find another job. So I got a job as a regulatory investigator with the state. A lowly desk job, that paid less than what I was making at the Sheriff's office.

I started dating again, and eventually met someone who should be familiar to you, Jessi. Jessi is the perfect woman. She is a great mom, she's very attractive, and was seemingly totally devoted to me. She was not without baggage, however. But because of my emotional scars from my failed marriage, and the obligatory jading that just comes with six years of working in law enforcement, I hurt her, I marginilized her, and took her for granted. Now she too is gone.

So here I stand. Emotionally broken, and dead. Completely devoid of feeling. I am so emotionally exhausted. I am no longer passionate about anything, and I can't bring myself to continue blogging. At least for now. I can't say that I am giving up blogging for good, but I am going on an extended leave of absence. I am sorry to all of you who have continued to read my sorry attempts at humor, and those of you that tried to console me when things started going downhill. I wish the best of luck to all of you, and I will miss our daily hashing out of events. One day I may return, but for now goodbye.

And so I leave you with the lyrics to Mudvayne's IMN. Caution, the language is very graphic:

Suicide
Don't give a fuck about this
My life or any other
Just go away and let me hang
Impossible to forgive, forget it, murderer
I'm in control

Living a lie
Make you pay at all cost for this
Love sick
Bullshit
Bring it

Decisions making themselves
I don't need you
Thorns in my side
So I die

No one
No one could ever understand
My life's exhausted
No one
No one could ever understand
This life IMN

Determined
To bring you all down with me
Break you
Beat down
No more fucking empathy
From me, for you
Fed up i've had enough
Duality
My war
Existence
Instigated controversy
Lay down
Sell out
So wrong

Drag the blade and go away
I stand, cold cruel and lost
Take me I'm ready

No one
No one could ever understand
My life's exhausted
No one
No one could ever understand
Pressure constricting
So hard
Like a stone
Fight hard
Break bones break

No one
No one could ever understand
This life IMN

Your pressure
My time
Eroding
My life
Fight for your honesty
Fight for integrity

All work and no play...
All work and no play makes me...
All work and no play makes me SICK!

I want to eat a bullet
Carve myself
Beat my face
Catotonic
Dig my brain
No pain! suffocate!
Stomach aches
Don't give a fuck
I'm out, I'm done
Fuck this shit
You've dug the hole
I'm lying in

No one could ever understand
No one could ever understand
Fight for your honesty
Fight for integrity

No one
No one could ever understand
My life's exhausted
No one
No one could ever understand
Pressure constricting
So hard
Like a stone
Fight hard
Break bones break

No one
No one could ever understand
This life, IMN

My world
My rules
My noose

My world
My rules
Fuck you

My world
My rules
My noose

My world
My rules
Fuck you

No, I'm not going to kill myself. I just feel like I am already dead. I'm sorry guys.

[Indescribable] Last Call

2005-11-30T08:50:00.000-08:00

Well, I'm guessing nobody wants to participate in Linky Love the Impaler. Last call. Unless I get some posts about impaling, by the end of today, I quit. C'mon...I know there are some people out there that need impalin'. The possibilities are endless. Cindy Sheehan, The ACLU, or terrorists in general. Impaling is funny, I don't care who you are.

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Posted by fmragtops to Indescribable at 11/30/2005 08:46:00 AM

[Indescribable] Police Stories Vol. 2

2005-11-29T13:17:00.000-08:00

Alright, there's been quite enough pouting outta me lately, let's see if I can be funny now. Since nobody wants to write a good impaling post, I'll give you a short police story.

Being a former law enforcement officer, I'm often asked about dumb criminals, and the stupid stuff they do. My favorite were always the dumb questions arrested people ask. For instance, "what am I being charged with?" times ten to the thirty first power. Wyatt Earp Chronicled this phenomenon at SYLG. Most of the people I worked with would tell you there are so many stupid questions, they can't pick just one. I, however, have a hands down, dumbest question ever.

I once arrested a drunk for hitting his wife. On the way to the jail, he goes through the usual litany of "What am I being charged withs" and when the words, "Simple Battery/ Domestic Violence" finally penetrate the alcohol induced fog in this blunt ended turd's mind, he asks me a question that was so stupid, I was totally speechless. It was so dumb I couldn't come up with a response. This waste of DNA asks me, "How can you arrest me for domestic violence in my own house?"

A perfect candidate for a DEATHCARD!

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Posted by fmragtops to Indescribable at 11/29/2005 12:34:00 PM

[Indescribable] Linky Love, The Impaler

2005-11-28T07:00:00.000-08:00

In light of the riots in France, the latest suicide bombings in Iraq, GunnNutt's recent comment to this post on Support Your Local Gunfighter, and my general twistedness, I've been thinking about impaling a lot lately.

In the real world, when I'm asked my thoughts on solving a problem, my answer usually involves impaling someone, or something. For instance, my former sergeant would ask, "What do you wanna do about that criminal hiding in the woods?" To which I would reply, "Set the woods on fire, and when he comes running out, we catch him, beat him, and impale him on a spike." It was such a standard response for me that my former sergeant used to call me Vlad. We just don't impale enough people these days.

I'd like to celebrate the lost art of impaling, while passing out more linky love. If you'd like to participate, just write a post on your blog about impaling that has a link to this blog in it. Wednesday, after the therapy session, I'll post a round-up dishing out the linky love.

UPDATE: Okay, so, I'm a dumbass. I forgot to include the line, "...and leave a trackback to that post." Or some such thing.

UPDATE 2: I've put this back on top in case anyone still wants to do an impaling post.

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Posted by fmragtops to Indescribable at 11/18/2005 01:05:00 PM

Alright, sorry for the malfunctions

2005-11-28T06:16:00.000-08:00

Sorry, Sean. I had been meaning to tell y'all of the recent changes I've made to the blog. I was trying to archive my posts by subject as opposed to date. So, as with most mysteries of the blogododecahedron, I turned to blog guru, Basil. As usual, Basil was quick with the response. He referred me to a post by oldcola where he set up a blog per category, and set up an e-mail address that automatically e-mails all incoming e-mail to the blog. Apparently it doesn't always work.

As for that last message that didn't quite make it through, that was jessi. Even though it wasn't me that wrote it, and she was just trying to embarass me, she basically wrote what I've been telling her in person.

As far as that goes, we're not exactly back together, but we're not exactly fighting anymore.

Anywho, the moral of the story is, if you have any blog related questions, ask Basil. He's the man.

[Indescribable] Happy?

2005-11-23T11:32:00.000-08:00

Since I have seen no participants for Linky Love The Impaler, instead of an impaling round-up, I'm going to post some song lyrics. I've found that usually when I'm experiencing diffucult emotions some songs express my feelings better than I can.

I'm tired of expressing sadness and guilt. It's time to express some anger, and this song by Mudvayne does a great job of expressing how I feel. So without further ado, I bring you "Happy?" by Mudvayne. (Caution: Language)

In this hole
That is me
The dead are rolling over
In this hole
Thickening
Dirt shoveled over shoulders

I feel it in me
So overwhelmed
Oh this pressured center rising
My life over turned
Unfair the despair
All these scars keep ripping open

Peel me from the skin
Tear me from the rind
Does it make you happy now?

Tear meat from the bone
Tear me from myself
Are you feeling happy now?

In this hole
That is me
A life that's growing feeble
In this hole
So limiting
The sun has set all darkness

Buried underneath
Hands slip off the wheel
Internal pathway to contention

Peel me from the skin
Tear me from the rind
Does it make you happy now?

Tear meat from the bone
Tear me from myself
Are you feeling happy now?

Are you
HAPPY

Are you
HAPPY

Are you feeling happy?

In this hole
That is me
Left with a heart exhausted
Whats my release?
What sets me free?
Do you pull me up just to push me down again?

Peel me from the skin
Tear me from the rind
Does it make you happy now?

Tear meat from the bone
Tear me from myself
Are you feeling happy?

Peel me from the skin
(peel me from the skin)
Tear me from the rind
Does it make you happy now?

Tear meat from the bone
(Tear meat from the bone)
Tear me from myself
Are you feeling happy?

Does it make you happy?
Are you feeling happy?
Are you fucking happy?
Now that I'm lost left with nothing

Does it make you happy?
Are you feeling happy?
Are you fucking happy?
Now that I'm lost left with nothing?

I don't know how many of you are familiar with Mudvayne's music, but it rocks....HARD!!! Reminds me of Pantera when they rocked.

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Posted by fmragtops to Indescribable at 11/23/2005 11:07:00 AM

[Therapy] Friends, Conservatives, Bloggers, Lend Me Your Dreams

2005-11-23T07:33:00.000-08:00

I usually try to begin a dream post with some amusing verbiage, but this time, I'm doing my first dream post without Jessi. So, onward I go with a heavy heart, so forgive me if I'm less funny than usual.

I had a dream. I dreamed that a really hot, hippy chick was in love with me. It was grand dream. The kind of dream you never want to wake from. But the dream turned to a nightmare in which my own insecurities, and pathologies drove her away. No matter how much I apologized, and said I was wrong she didn't believe me. The fact that I wasn't expecting forgiveness because I don't deserve it made my apologies sound hollow. Then I woke to an empty, cold, house.

SeanS: I have this dream in which I beat JimmyB at being FIRST!!!

Could it ever come true?

Since jimmyb is a contributor to every blog in blogododecahedron, the chances of you being first are really slim because if you beat him, he could just edit your comments, and make his first.

jimmyb: I had a dream about this hippy-chick one time that I saw on a blog and....
Ooops.
Wrong blog.
Sorry.

She is cute ain't she.

jimmyb: I have a recurring dream where a beat a hippy to near unconsciousness with a large slab of beef (i.e. murdered cow), and then subsequently impale him on a pike in front of the New York Times building.

Is this normal?

Yes. Doesn't everybody have this dream?

Wyatt Earp: I have a recurring dream about losing "teh funny." Then, I have a dream that I was never that funny to begin with. Please help!

Unfunny in Tombstone, AZ

If you stop reading my blog you'll become funnier by the second.

bob: I had a dream that Howard Dean woke up with a permanent case of laryngitis. What does this mean?
Signed,
Deaf in Pa.

It means that Howard Dean is an idiot, and talks too damn much. If you can find Howard Dean, and stuff his mouth with a used sweat sock and duct tape it in, your dreams should go away.

linda: Let's pray that Bob's dream comes true!

I went to sleep watching Gunsmoke on TV Land and dreamed I was in a shoot-out with a faceless cowboy. When the smoke cleared, people were yelling that I'd shot Wyatt Earp! Luckily, he got up limping--it was just a flesh wound!

"'tis merely a fleshwound"- The Black Knight Has Wyatt been talking dirty again? "He's just drunk, that's all." - Curly Bill Brosius

Insolublog: I had a dream that I left a post berating myself, requesting therapy from my fellow bloggers. I was horrified when utter silence ensued, in the comments. What does this mean?

(Relax it's only a movie)

It means that you deserve no comfort. You deserve no repose from being racked with guilt because of the pain you've inflicted you've inflicted on those that do not deserve such treatment.

GunnNutt: I had this dream that even though I work on salary that, like DPT, I was actually getting paid for all this overtime I'm working, and that for once I actually finished something (like an "impaling" post) when I promised it.

Paid for overtime? What a great dream. I haven't been paid for overtime since I quit working in the private sector. Do you have a government job too?

Aakash: "Therapy"?
I see that as a bracketed beginning to the title of your top two blog entries here. So is that one thing that you offer, at this weblog? If so, I might be back here again soon (and perhaps more times after that, as well...)

I do offer therapy, but my therapy is making unfunny comments unbefitting the creative people that comment here. You're welcome to stick around and participate all you want. Maybe you'll get a laugh out of it.

There you have it. I apologize again for my melancholy state of mind, and I'll try to be funnier next time.

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Posted by fmragtops to Therapy at 11/23/2005 06:44:00 AM

[Therapy] You'll Have Plenty Of Time To Get Your Dreams In

2005-11-23T05:49:00.000-08:00

Go ahead and leave me your dreams, and issues. I'm gonna be pretty busy today, and the beginning of next week. Jessi and I will get them up Wednesday, 23 Nov. 05. Remember that you get the linky love for participating.

UPDATE: Very sadly, jessinunu will no longer be participating. I'm such an idiot.

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Posted by fmragtops to Therapy at 11/18/2005 05:38:00 AM

[Therapy] I'm going to pout for minute

2005-11-22T11:13:00.000-08:00

Have you ever come to the staggering realization that you're an idiot? I mean, you spend all your time worrying about what other people are doing to you only to realize that your worst enemy is yourself. For whatever reason, I think I have absolutley refused to allow myself to be happy. I guess It's my turn to receive some therapy, instead of give it. I'm interested to hear your thoughts.

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Posted by fmragtops to Therapy at 11/22/2005 10:58:00 AM

[Therapy] Your Therapy Session

2005-11-14T07:40:00.000-08:00

Well, here goes. The lovely jessinunu will try her hand at guest blogging. I'm sure you will find her hippy insight fascinating. Thanks for all compliments. jessi really appreciated the ones about wet dreams. Anyhoo, without further ado, I present jessinunu's, and my therapy session:

jimmyb: Yowza! (No tye-dye?)
Heh.
I dreamed the French used no-nonsense American-style force to quell the riots. Or was that real?
Help!!!
Probably will not discuss any dreams pertaining to Jess.
And yes, FIRST!

J: Jimmyb, Thanks and fm wouldn't let me wear the tie dye....all I know is that the french have great style! you should see fashion week in Paris.

F: Thanks Jim-bo. French using American style force? That's a dream. Unless you consider eating cheese and drinking wine "American-style force", I don't think it's happening anytime soon.

SeanS: Why does my wife think that I'm going to have an affair with every girl who works in my office, regardless of age or hotness factor?

J: your wife knows you wont cheat(unless you have given her a reason) your wife wants to hear why she is better than the "office girls".....next time your wife comes to the office, whisper to her something bad about your co worker(ie. she is so ugly or she has a messed up grill) your wife will feel better!

F: Sean, have you ever given her reason to doubt? If not, I think this comes down to the fact that women are deceitful, cunning, and love to bag married men. And they know it. You ever notice how most women have like one or two friends, and the rest are acquaintances that they tolerate but talk bad about them behind their back. That's why. Women know how each other are, so they don't trust each other as far as they can spit. They also believe that we are dumb oafs that can't help but give in to a woman's mystical charm. Like sailors being lured by the sirens.

Unsatisfied: The man I'm currently dating is rediculously tiny. I always assumed that men of smaller size were aware of their short comings and could compensate in other ways. Mine does not. How can I let him know there is a big (or should I say "small") problem in that area without him getting offended?

J: Unsatisfied,I'm so sorry!..I have learned that men will do anything you want, if you let them think it was their idea.

F: There is no way to broach this subject without hurting feelings. My advice is tell the truth whether it hurts or not. Lies will always hurt more than the truth, no matter what.

JermCool: I have this dream now where I am rich and successful. Is that achievable or delusional is a socialist government (remembering that I'm in New Zealand)?

J: jermcool,let me know when you get rich and successful...fm wont find out!

F: Just like a hippy to think one can become rich and successful in a socialist country. Jermcool, unless you are producing a second Lord of the Rings trilogy, I doubt very seriously you will become rich and successful in New Zealand. Maybe Successful, but you know when the government controls "wealth" they ain't giving it up. Jessi, haven't you learned that I see all?

linda: I dreamed I was racing in a Shelby Mustang at Talladega and by the last lap had blown by everyone except Jeff Gordon, then almost at the finish line, I finally passed him! In the winner's circle, this guy named Steve ran up and said I couldn't win because I was a girl and didn't have enough flair! Is that fair?

J: This dream is what all women go through....no matter what men will hold us back!

F: Who ever promised you life would be fair?

Peakah: I've dreamed that I had the ability to fly with only a thought. While flying around I bump into these meth addicts who swear that they can fly with me but they just jump around their front yard acting like lunatics. I say whatever and take off over the trees causing them all to shit their pants.

(I actually had this dream, what the hell is wrong with me?)

J: Peakah....PLEASE! get off the crack!

F: Peakah, I hate to be the one to tell you this, but it sounds like you may be crazy. Shithouse rat crazy. I mean almost Howard Dean crazy. There is good news, however. I just saved a ton of money on my car insurance by letting it lapse.

GunnNutt: I have a recurring dream that I'm late turning in an assignment because I procrastinate and spend too much time watching stock car races wishing the "chick" would win but it always ends up with "Wonder Boy" in the winners circle.

J: Gunnutt...women should ban together and take out all the "wonder boys"

F: Heyseuss, will you listen to my feminist hippy girlfriend. I don't see what the big deal is anyway, it's not like Jeff Gordon is a man. (snicker)

Wyatt Earp: Is it wrong to have impure dreams about someone else's (liberal) girl?

J: No...it only matters if she has dreams about you

F: It may sound crazy, but I have to agree with Jessi on that one. So, Jess, does she have dreams about Wyatt? Hmmmmm?

Well there you have it. Let me know what you think. Should I keep jessi around as a guest blogger? Let me know. She also made me aware of how unfair it is for me to post her picture and not mine. So, AVERT YOUR EYES BEYOTCHES:

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Posted by fmragtops to Therapy at 11/14/2005 07:13:00 AM

[Therapy] I'll Try To Make Everyone Happy

2005-11-12T06:17:00.000-08:00

Okay, I'll try to make everyone happy. It's a risky proposition, but here goes. If you have a dream you want interpreted, leave it in the comments section as usual, and Jessi and I will give you our takes on it. But we will not limit this to dreams. If you have relationship problems, we'll give you the kind of advice that you can only get from a bleeding heart liberal, and a right-wing, war-mongering, neanderthal.

Try to get your dreams or relationship problems in by Saturday, 11/12/05, and we will try to have the answers up by Sunday evening.

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Posted by fmragtops to Therapy at 11/10/2005 05:44:00 AM

[Politics] Mary Mapes: I think I'll Kick Her While She Is Down

2005-11-10T12:35:00.000-08:00

Yes, I'm kicking her while she is down. I wanted to do it before she got back up making tons of money off her new book.

In case you've been living under a rock, Mary Mapes is the CBS News Producer that was fired for running a story that slandered President Bush, and that was based on a forged memo. Mary has been getting interviewed all over the place to promote her new book. I'm sure the book will amount to nothing more than toilet paper with words printed on it.

I've read a few of these stories, and interview transcripts. I find that this woman is maddeningly stupid, and she has a hard time telling a consistent story. I'm sure there will be tons of bloggers ranting, and raving about this chronically vacuous excuse for a journalist, so I just want to hit a couple of high (or low as the case may be) points. I have found two instances that I think sum up the complete ineptitude displayed by Mary.

First two statements by Queen Mary the Feeble Minded:

Mapes is dismissive of Marian Carr Knox, the 86-year-old former secretary to Bush's late squadron commander, who told Rather she believed the memos were fake but the substance of the documents was true. Mapes called her "maddening" and "a quite self-righteous typist."

From her Interview with Howard Kurtz: Washington Post

MAPES:[Talking about Knox] Well, you know what, we did have her on. We had her on September 15th and I remember we flew her in that day. She is an incredible woman. She was 86 at the time. Very fun, memory like crazy.

She felt she had done all the typing for Killian and so she felt that if any documents had been typed, she would have typed them. She confirmed the content. Again this is the weird thing you got into with this.

She confirmed the content of the documents. She remembered Killian ordering Bush to get a physical and Bush not complying. She remembered issues with Bush's performance there as a guard pilot.

And, so, she was very supportive of the content, but she believed that the typing style was not hers. Therefore, she believed that the documents were not authentic. But the content was. I mean, it was, it was a very interesting, hair-splitting deal.

From an interview with Larry King 11/09/05

Riddle me this: How did Ms. Knox go from being "maddening," and "self righteous" to being "an incredible woman," and "very fun?" Either she was a beyotch, or a sweet old lady. Maybe I'm just being too picky, but it seems to me like anybody that can't tell the truth, or can't remember about her opinion of a little old lady ain't much cut out for journalism. Then again, maybe it's just me.

Finally, in an interview aired on 11/09/05 on Good Morning America:

Mapes says she is continuing to investigate the source of the controversial documents whose authenticity was seriously questioned by the CBS panel. She tells Ross that she had no journalistic obligation to prove the authenticity of the documents before including them in the "60 Minutes II" report. "I don't think that's the standard," she said.

She doesn't think that's the standard? Apparently CBS thinks that's the standard. Maybe she should have asked her boss what the standard was prior to airing the story. Just from what I have seen in my own little research, it seems that these documents were pretty obviously forged to even the most casual viewer. I understand you can't run ink tests, or forensic document analysis on every document you get, but damn. With this many inconsistencies, it would seem like a journalist would err on the side of caution.

Anywho, I guess that final statement just confirms what we already believe to be true. That truth is not the standard for the "Mainstream Media."

For a compilation of various evidence against the memos, visit Questions and Observations. For a look at the Killian Documents you can visit Wikipedia.

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Posted by fmragtops to Politics at 11/10/2005 11:12:00 AM

[Indescribable] What say you?

2005-11-09T08:37:00.000-08:00

I planned on putting the Dream Interpretation post up tomorrow, but the lovely jessinunu had an idea inspired by The GunnNutt's post, A Tale of Two Stories. I want to know what you think. Would you rather me do the regular dream interpretations, or would you prefer a therapy session with left and right opinions from both jessinunu and me? Vote in the comments section, and whichever idea wins, we'll do tomorrow.

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Posted by fmragtops to Indescribable at 11/09/2005 08:30:00 AM

[Precision Guided Humor] Root Causes Of The Riots In France

2005-11-09T08:24:00.000-08:00

A Precision Guided Humor Assignment

Apparently there a bunch of Muslim youths rioting in France. The riots have been going on for two weeks now. With all the press this story has been getting, The Alliance wants to know what is causing these riots. Well, I have the answer: George W. Bush.

That's right, George W. Bush caused these riots. Now before you go calling me a hippy, or DUmmycrat, or liberal @$$hat, hear me out. Tim the Enchanted Tape Dispenser, my surveillance trained dung beetle, Algore, and I were discussing this, and George W. Bush appears to be the logical answer.

First, you have to understand the propensity for the liberal media to call terrorists things other than terrorists. You know, like the terrorists fighting the troops in Iraq are called insurgents, and the terrorists that attacked that cruise ship are called pirates, we've figured that "Muslim youths" is term used to describe the terrorists rioting in France.

You maybe asking, "How does George w. Bush fit in to all this?" Well, the terrorists have learned that if they terrorize the United States, George W. Bush will send the military to kill them wherever they might be. Since the the US military is already killing the $#it out of 'em in the Middle East, it's not really safe to be a terrorist there, so the terrorists have decided to be terrorists in the one place that it is safe to be terrorists. That's right, France.

Really, think about it. When was the last time the French whipped some terrorists? When they sank Greenpeace's boat?

You may be wondering, "Does Mr. Bush feel terrible about what's going on in France since it is his fault?" Of course not. It's all part of Karl Rove's plan. See, Rove and Bush and Cheney and Haliburton all knew that the terrorists would go terrorize France now that the US is actually fighting back. In a week or two, the US is gonna ride in on their white horse and save France, but what you won't read in the papers, or see on the news is that to receive aid from the US France will have to agree not veto the US plan to invade Syria and Iran.

So, you see, it's not that far fetched. Then again this is just an insane rambling from a guy that discusses politics with a tape dispenser and a dung beetle.

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Posted by fmragtops to Precision Guided Humor at 11/09/2005 07:54:00 AM

Liberal Stupidity Abounds

2005-11-08T12:32:00.000-08:00

While purusing IMAO, I found this. I usually try to stay away from liberal blogs as to keep them from infesting me with their unadulterated B.S. Apparently Kos is pushing the idea that the US dumped "massive quantities" of white phosphorous on Fallujah resulting in the burning deaths of Iraqi civilians.

Now, we're getting evidence that the US has used chemical weapons in Iraq. From the Independent (UK):

The thing that really stuck out to me in the news story was this quote:

Provided by the Studies Centre of Human Rights in Fallujah, dozens of high-quality, colour close-ups show bodies of Fallujah residents, some still in their beds, whose clothes remain largely intact but whose skin has been dissolved or caramelised or turned the consistency of leather by the shells.

Now, I understand that logic and reason are lost on most hippy/commie/lefties, but it seemed to me that if white phosphorous burns the skin right off a body, then it would seem like the clothes would need to burned off too, right? I mean unless these people were wearing Nomex pajamas.

I thought to myself, "Hey, maybe my understanding of the way white phosphorous works is incorrect. Maybe it gives chemical burns through a reaction with chemicals in the skin, not necessarily in the clothes." I decided to do some quick research on White Phosphorous.

I did a Google search on white phosphorous. This article from the Federation Of American Scientists was the first thing I found. It turns out that White Phosphorous burns at 5,000 degrees Fahrenheit for approximately sixty seconds. At least when deployed from the M15 White Phosphorous Grenade.

Is it just me, or does it seemed to be a rather flawed assertion that because some people got burnt up, then the US is guilty of using White Phosphorous on civilians. I read the cited article. It didn't ssem very convincing.

Any of you trained killers out there know any more about White Phosphorous? Am I wrong in thinking that something burning at 5,000 degrees Fahrenheit would have to burn clothes too? Or is white phosphorous discriminate enough to not burn clothes but burn the flesh off a human body?

UPDATE: I was just wondering if maybe the anonymous soldier quoted in the aforementioned aricle could be Jimmy Massey, former Marine and now Professional Liar.

UPDATE 2: Sir George Turner has more information at The Anti-Idiotarian Rottweiler.

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Posted by fmragtops to Terrorism at 11/08/2005 11:55:00 AM

Hippyism Is Infectious

2005-11-07T10:43:00.000-08:00

As some of you may knowm, the lone lefty voice on this blog, jessinunu, is also my beloved girlfriend. She is a paradox. She espouses hippy/commie ideals, yet she has Louis Vailton (sorry if I misspelled it, baby) purses and luggage. She's a pacifist, yet she owns one of the most specialized killers in the domestic animal world, a cat. I just don't get it.

Anywho, her cat, Perseus, lives with us. Shortly after hurricane Katrina, I started noticing a mouse creeping in my house, so when she moved in, I agreed to take the cat too. I had no idea what oxymoronic scenes I would witness.

Last week, jessinunu and I were sitting on the couch. I went to stand up, and jessi grabbed my armed with this freaked out look on her face. I looked down to see Perseus with a mouse in his mouth standing at my feet. I thought for a brief second, "Good boy, you killed a mouse." It was a very brief thought.

Just as I went to praise Perseus for doing his job, Perseus dropped this mouse, and it began to scurry away, apparently unharmed by his encounter with nature's perfect assassin. Perseus chased and caught the mouse again. He would let it go, and recatch it. He rolled over, placed the mouse on his stomach and swat it accross the room.

Finally, the mouse showed off it's capacity for learning. It must have reasoned that if it sat still, the cat would not mess with it. So, I see this mouse sitting in front of the cat lying perfectly motionless. Perseus lay nest to him watching intently. The whole time I'm chastising the love of my life for turning such a proud predator into a polite pacifist.

I did the only thing I could think of. I grabbed the mouse with a pair of tongs. I took it outside, and threw it to my pit bull, The Outlaw, Josey Wales. True to her namesake, she killed the mouse without the slightest hesitation.

Perseus and I have reconciled our differences, but I doubt he will kill any mice in the future. I'm not worried about the hippyism rubbing off on me. I've been listening to Rush for fourteen years, I didn't vote for Bill Clinton, ever. But I am worried that this infectious form of hippyism may rub off on my children. Is their any vaccine against hippyism?

Sorry

2005-11-07T10:41:00.000-08:00

Sorry the dream post was not posted last week. My two year old got sick, and my fatherly duties took precedence over my bloggerly duties. Please accept the forthcoming post as atonement. And I will give you my PROMISE that I will get to the dreams this week.

And, as always, I am sorry for any indifference this may have caused.

The UN is 60! Yay, Maybe They'll Die Soon!

2005-11-02T13:28:00.000-08:00

A Precision Guided Humor Assignment

Mein Fuhrer, Harvey at The Alliance has asked how we should celebrate the 60th birthday of the UN. I have a copy of the UN's birthday wishlist in case any of you want to get them something:

- A new grove of mushrooms for the Smurfs displaced by the recent bombing of their home.

- A new terrorist supporting, brutal dictatorship that oppresses women, and hates freedom.

- A get out of jail free card for Kojo.

- A new scheme to bilk money out of the oppressed peoples of some brutal dictatorship.

- A large harem of juvenile girls to rape.

- The Internet

Well if you are looking to get the UN something for it's birthday, something from the above list should do the trick.

Democrats Can't Handle The Truth!

2005-11-02T10:46:00.000-08:00

In light of the dummycrats shutting down the Senate and having their little secret pow wow to talk about The President lying about the Iraqi threat, I've decided to revisit some of the tons of evidence that, in my mind, proves the Jackasses are just plain stupid. Ever since The US decided to go to war with Iraq, I've tried to keep my ear to the ground listening for stories that would be glossed over by the MSM that document the finding of Weapons of Mass Destruction in Iraq. I also like to keep track of what the lefty politicians have said.

One of my favorite stories that you rarely ever hear referenced is a Washington Times story about Russian Special Forces removing tons of weapons from Iraq prior to the US led action in Iraq.

"Most of Saddam's most powerful arms were systematically separated from other arms like mortars, bombs and rockets, and sent to Syria and Lebanon, and possibly to Iran, he said.
The Russian involvement in helping disperse Saddam's weapons, including some 380 tons of RDX and HMX, is still being investigated, Mr. Shaw said.
The RDX and HMX, which are used to manufacture high-explosive and nuclear weapons, are probably of Russian origin, he said."

Why was this story not more widely reported? Weeeelllll let's see. If you'll remember, during the last presidential campaign, it was learned that the aforementioned explosives went missing, and Senator John "effing" Kerry Heinz (along with the dummycrat puppets of the MSM) used these missing explosives as a weapon (forgive the pun) to discredit military efforts in Iraq. Mr. Theresa Heinz tried to accuse the US military of "losing" these weapons.

My next exhibit is a Newsmax story that cites the Associated Press as publishing stories of partially enriched uranium, sarin gas, and buried Mig fighters. Unfortunately it costs money to access the Associated Press' archives, and I ain't spending money on a blog post.

"In a secret operation, the United States last month removed from Iraq nearly two tons of uranium and hundreds of highly radioactive items that could have been used in a so-called dirty bomb, the Energy Department disclosed Tuesday.

"The nuclear material was secured from Iraq's former nuclear research facility and airlifted out of the country to an undisclosed Energy Department laboratory for further analysis," the AP said.

And another Newsmax article that goes into more detail about the partially enriched uranium in Iraq. It cites The New York Times as it's source.

First, the facts - from a reliable critic of the White House, the New York Times, which covered the story long after the paper announced it was tightening its standards on WMD news out of Iraq.

"The United States has informed an international agency that oversees nuclear materials that it intends to move hundreds of tons of uranium from a sealed repository south of Baghdad to a more secure place outside Iraq," the paper announced in a little-noticed May 2004 report.

Very interesting. Now, let's look at what other politicians have said about Iraq. First, Bill Clinton on 16 December 1998:

"Saddam (Hussein) must not be allowed to threaten his neighbors or the world with nuclear arms, poison gas or biological weapons," Clinton said.

I don't remember Republicans shrieking about "cooked" intelligence in 1998. Do you? Why is it okay for Mr. Clinton (and I used the term Mr. loosely) to base military action on the same things that the jackasses are calling lies today. Why weren't they lies then?

Next, Mrs. Clinton from her floor speech on the floor of the Senate on 10 October 2002:

It is clear, however, that if left unchecked, Saddam Hussein will continue to increase his capacity to wage biological and chemical warfare, and will keep trying to develop nuclear weapons. Should he succeed in that endeavor, he could alter the political and security landscape of the Middle East, which as we know all too well affects American security.

Oh my goodness! Now we must shut down the Senate to determine why the Hildebeast lied to us from the floor of the Senate!

Well I could go on and on, but I think I'm about to vomit from reading the words of the jackasses. I think I am dumber now for having read some of that crud. Anybody got any Pepto?

What the hell is this?

2005-11-01T13:08:00.000-08:00

Source Newsday Inc.

This is a photo of Planned Parenthood protestors protesting Judge Samuel "Machine Gun Sammy" Alito on the steps of the Supreme Court. Notice the sign in the back. I just find that funny. Was it photoshopped, or is it real? See the whole piece here.

You know, I always wanted a SCOTUS justice with the nickname Machine Gun Sammy.

Your Dreams Interpreted Vol......Ehhh Who's Counting?

2005-10-31T06:05:00.000-08:00

I was thinking, a dangerous proposition, I know, but maybe I should go back to school and get a degree in psychology. Then maybe I could tell you something useful about these dreams instead using them as butts of jokes effectively setting your Id at war with your Ego and causing you to compulsively check the locks on your doors to satiate your obsession about deranged monkeys, trebuchets, and hoo hoo dillys.

Then again, maybe I should just give you what you came here for: teh funny, or a sub-par facsimile thereof with a made in Taiwan sticker underneath it.

Now, without further ado about nothing, your dreams:

jessinunu: I dream of three girls in costumes... a witch, a princesses, and cookie monster....forcing their mother to walk fo miles to everybit of candy...in return for this favor, their mother receives the only gift that 3 kids high on suger can give her..... a late night of cleaning up candycorn vomit....when I woke up I realized ......now christmas is on its way.....walmart at christmas time ...thats a nightmare!!!!

In the words of Corey Taylor from the song Wait and Bleed by Slipknot, "...Is this a dream or a memory?" Not quite the usual grotesque Halloween image of monsters and mayhem, but a frightening vision nonetheless. This dream appears to be a manifestation of your apprehension about President Bush's foreign policy.

JermCool: I have this dream where this evil kea (New Zealand parrot) swoops down from a neighbor's roof and steals my cigarettes then proceeds to eat them while I'm left having nicotine withdrawls.

Have you had a loved one complaining about your cigarette habit? Could this be anxiety that you may have to give up smoking for someone you love? Or is this dream a byproduct of the mental scaring you suffered from seeing your grandfather in the shower as a small child? Smoke two cigarettes and call me in the morning.

SeanS: Okay, real one and recurring:
I have a dream that I'm back on the ship and they are preparing for a deployment. I tell them that I'm not in the Navy anymore and shouldn't be going but by the time I get to the brow to get off, we've already set sail and I'm stuck going back to the Med.

Maybe this dream stems from the fear that you may have to be redeployed when we go to war with Syria and/or Iran. I recommend that you shoot two liberals and call me in the morning.

jimmyb: I had a dream when the Republicans finally took the house, senate, and the presidency.
What happened to it?

Smaller gov't my ass...

*sigh*

I had the same dream except in mine, on the last day of the Bush Presidency, The Scooby Doo gang pulled of President Bush's mask and he was really Hillary Clinton, and she shrieked, "I got away with it inspite of you meddling kids." I don't know what it means, but at least your not alone.

Fitch: I had a dream no one wanted to ask a DUmmy about stuff. I was sad. And deranged monkeys laughed at me.

I think you're afraid that the Democratic Party is on it's last legs, and we'll run out of entertainment if the party collapses. Look on the bright side, we still have the deranged monkeys in Hollywood.

linda: I dreamed I was on I-10 on the way to LA but when I got to the state line, I was pulled over and told I couldn't cross the line without first frisking the deputy and then I woke up in a cold sweat!

I see you have been to Louisiana before. Luckily I am no longer a sheriff's deputy, so I don't have to deal with the rigors of being frisked by every woman that enters the state. It's a good thing too because I don't think my girlfriend (jessinunu) would be able to deal with it.

Well, I hope my keen insight, and rapist-like wit has helped bring some sunshine to your day. Peace be upon you, and thanks for your participation.

Made In Taiwan

Just a quick note.

2005-10-28T14:15:00.000-07:00

Just a quick note before my weekend hiatus, I got an e-mail from an Ohio National guardsman requesting a link, and you know me, the only thing I'm liberal about is the linky love. I blog rolled him, but I think he deserves his own post.

He was stationed on the gulf coast providing hurricane relief, and has a blog where he tells his stories and gives thoughts on his experiences. Check him out at Camp Katrina.

I Dream Of Jessi, With The Light Brown Hair...And the Hippy Worldview

2005-10-27T12:04:00.000-07:00

So, who's up for more dream interpretation? Hooray, dreams!

You know, sometimes I have dreams that I am the guy in the Red Stripe Beer commercials, but everytime I try to take a sip, Kathleen Blabineaux-Blanco runs in and takes money out of my pockets. Is this normal?

Anyways, leave me your dreams, and I'll tell you what they mean. Or at least make a feeble attempt to be funny. The brightside is, you gets the linky love for participation. And far be it for me to ask favors of y'all, but it would be nice to get a little reciprocal linky love, if it's not too much to ask. Well, enough with the shameless link whorage, and on with the dreams. I'll try to get them up by Monday, October 31, 2005, Halloween. *Cue Spookey child choir music*

Police Stories: Vol. I

2005-10-27T11:22:00.000-07:00

After reading Wyatt Earp's (of Support Your Local Gunfighter) stories about stupid criminals, and Dr. Phat Tony's Phat History Lessons I've been inspired to share a little bit of my past as a law enforcement professional.

First, a little background: I was a sheriff's deputy in a medium sized parish (parish=county) between Baton Rouge and New Orleans. Though it's a relatively rural place we saw our share of crime with two major U.S. highways, U.S. 61 and I-10, running through our jurisdiction. We got some of everything. From dealing with inbred, drunk, rednecks to chasing livestock, to chasing gun toating, dope dealing gang-bangers. We had trailer parks, housing projects, and cow pastures.

I worked for the Sheriff's Office (S.O.) for six years. For all of those years I worked nights, 4:00 pm to 4:00 am. For four and a half of those years I was a field training officer (F.T.O.). For three months I was a Juvenile Detective. I worked with a wide range of of people. I worked with former military from all branches, including the National Gaurd and Coast Gaurd, I worked with former DOC prison gaurds, and I worked with guys like me. Guys that never did anything but police work.

There was a particular deputy that had a certain flare for sick humor. We'll call him Dy. Speck. Dy. Speck was in the squad room one night. Most of the shift had worked past 4:00 am because the shift had been so busy. Almost the hole squad was there finishing up paperwork and telling the tales of the horrors they had seen that night.

Dy. Speck's huckleberry that night had been in dealing with a whole family of inbreds. I'm sure every police officer in the country has dealt with a similar situation. The whole family is nuts, and they call everytime something happens, but refuse to leave each other alone. And they are all family so they never want to pursue any criminal charges. When one of them gets drunk, and/or off their medication, you end up dealing with them behind the most mindnumbing BS for the whole night.

From this encounter, Dy. Speck devised a plan to remedy these situations. A plan so Draconian that it was sure to end crime as we know it. The kind of plan that just makes you rub your hands together in sadistic bliss, and laugh like Renfield. He proposed all commissioned law enforcement officers be issued "Deathcards."

The Deathcards would look like playing cards except instead of numbers and suits, they would have skulls and cross bones on the face. Dy. Speck proposed that each LEO would be given two Deathcards a month. These Deathcards would entitle the barer to kill one person per death card. A LEO could save their Deathcards if they saw no one who needed killin'. Or if they run accross a family of drunk, inbreds, but only had his two Deathcards, LEOs could pool their Deathcards.

Now, a citizen didn't have to commit any sort of crime to be subject to the provisions of the Deathcards. A Deathcard, or multiple Deathcards as the case may be, could be used for nothing more than thinning the genepool. The Deathcards had checks and balances though. A Sergeant would have Deathcards that applied to deputies. Lieutenants had deathcards for Sergeants, and so on up the chain of command.

So write your congressmen and women. Ask for Deathcards today. A fair and reasonable plan. It will end crime as we know it, and aid in the evolution of man.

Sorry, I don't want to put out too specific of information in case Dy. Speck gets in a gunfight and waxes some s#!tbag, I don't want this to be used against him in court.

YAY! We're Nazis! A Filthy Lie

2005-10-25T11:55:00.000-07:00

A Filthy Lie

Apparently Laura at Can't Keep Quiet doesn't know when to shut up. It seems that she saw the alliance logo:

And decided it looks alot like the symbol of another group:

Apparently we members of the Alliance of Free Blogs are all Nazis goosestepping in our jackboots to the orders of our Fuhrer, Harvey. I guess that means that any symbol featuring a bald eagle perched on something is a Nazi symbol. My crack research staff (consisting of Algore the surveillance trained dung beetle, and Tim the Enchanted Tape Dispenser) has learned that the next symbol Laura plans to go after is:

Apparently the image on the back of the quarter is a symbol of Chimpy McBusHitler's Rovian plan to introduce fascism accross the US and the Middle East. How does he plan to do this? Here you go:

There you have it. The image on back of the quarter proves that Chimpy McBusHitler is going to use that bastian of Nazism, The USMC, to spread Nazism accross the world, and we at the Alliance are his little Himlers spewing the propaganda.

Well, at least now I won't have to feed Algore for awhile.

Wait...I just read the post again, she accuses us of not knowing history. I guess the fact the Eagle Globe and Anchor dates back to 1868 isn't important because Hitler wasn't born until 1889.

The fact of the matter is that no matter in what context the eagle is used, it is a symbol of strength and freedom. And I guess Laura is an intollerant hippy that likes to compare those with which she disagrees nazis. She sounds alot like Joe Macarthy.

Anybody Care to Caption This?

2005-10-25T07:11:00.000-07:00

(Source AP)

Ya know, Bono, if you don't stop talkin' that hippy crap, Rummy's just gonna hafta strangle ya.

Laying siege To Your Dreams

2005-10-24T11:12:00.000-07:00

Wow, you folks are really screwed up. Maybe I should start charging you people. No...wait...bad idea, y'all have trebuchet's. Maybe I should start flanking you people instead. Boy that was almost like funny. But seriously, let's get on with the link pimpage:

Wyatt Earp: I keep having a dream where I'm riding a motorcycle without a helmet, and when I wake up, I have bugs in my teeth.

Wyatt, I always figured you for more of a pale horse instead of a motorcycle. Anywho, maybe you're having a premonition that you are about to be transferred from patrol to motors. A move I personally never wanted to make because I hate all things traffic related. But good luck with that.

Peakah: I dreamed that I was delivering Kofi Annan a birthday cake to *celebrate* the UN's B-day.
Then I smashed the cake all over his face.
Confession, this is not a dream but a reoccuring waking thought... is that related?

Peakah, since that really isn't a dream I don't think I can interpret it. I do, however, love the sentiment. Keep it up.

SeanS: I have this dream that I go to my blog and can't think of anything to post, so I post crappy things about the stupid weather.

Oh, wait. That actually happened...

Again, not really a dream, so I can't interpret it accurately. You know I pride myself on being accurate. I would like to say that I understand venting about crappy weather. Two major hurricanes in a month tends to create lots of animosity towards mother nature.

Fitch: I had a dream that no matter what I tried to say, what came out was, "Bakalaka alakadaka. Muhammed ali. Bakalaka."

If I'm not mistaken, "Bakalaka alakadaka. Muhammed ali. Bakalaka." is Arabic for Give me more Goats Gone Wild videos. Apparently this is a manifestation of your anticipation for future installments in Sheikh Fuk'd YuMahMah's Goats Gone Wild video library.

jessinunu: I dream I am the old lady who lived in the shoe...

Are you trying to say my house is small?

GunnNutt: I dreamed I was laying siege to a castle and every time I pulled the lever on my trebuchet the flaming mass of pitch covered stone landed on my own horde!

That sounds an awful lot like a Monty Python skit. Were the castle guards firing cows at you? Did you build a Trojan beaver?

Fitch: I had a dream that GunnNutt was the commander of my horde.

Fitch, are you feeling insecure about your leadership skills? Has your horde been complaining that their commander hasn't been letting them rape and pillage the countryside enough?

Wyatt Earp: I had a dream that I understood the words that GunnNutt just wrote.

Apparently you don't watch enough history channel. They had a good one on last night about Ghengis Khan. He laid the siege down on several castles.

Peakah: I had a dream inspired by late night thoughts of GunnNutt...
I dreamed I was laying siege to the UN Building and every time I pulled the lever on my trebuchet the flaming mass of pitch covered stone landed on my own gunnnutt!

Ouch.

Ouch indeed. Heh. We'll see. Oh My G-d! Evil Glenn's spirit possessed my fingers for a moment, but I said The Lord's Prayer and dipped my hands in Holy Water and they are fine now. Peakah, are you having Trebuchet envy? Are you afraid GunnNutt's Trebuchet is bigger than yours?

Insolublog: I had a dream that after I poured two gallons of undiluted Diazinon on the incessant ant colony outside my house, they re-arranged the anthills to say:

"It Takes A Village. Hillary 2008".

Apparently your subconscious mind is manifesting your feelings of inferiority for using diazinon instead of a Trebuchet with burning pitch. Either that or it's the deep feelings that you hold regarding ants being sissy hippy commy insects.

linda: I had a dream that everyone I knew escaped from a mental hospital--and that was okay!

Pssst...Linda, I hate to be the one to break this to you, but you're still in the mental hospital. We got some good dope, huh?

I hope you've been able to use my advice in struggle for peace, justice and the American Way. Come back next week when GunnNutt finally gets a handle on those pesky Trebuchet problems, and Wyatt Earp gets the bugs out of his teeth.

Dreams Come Early This Week....

2005-10-18T13:36:00.000-07:00

I once had a dream that men would be judged by the content of their character and not the color of their skin. Just as the dream started getting good, the ACLU and the Federal Government came in and effed it all up. They could eff up a wet dream.

I used to have dreams all the time where I would get into a gun fight with a bad guy, and the trigger wouldn't budge when I tried to pull it, or I could pull the trigger and the gun wouldn't fire. The worst one of those dreams, I was trying to shoot a bad guy, and the trigger pulled, the gun went off, and the bullets hit their target and were blowing huge chuncks of meat out of the bad guy, but he wouldn't die. By the end of the dream he was like The Black Knight on Monty Python and The Holy Grail. He was just a nub trying to bite my ankles off. Does that make me crazy?

Anyways, I'm posting the dreams a little early this week because my schedule is going to be hectic the rest of the week, and I may not have internet access. So leave me a dream and I'll tell ya what it means. Oh yeah, and you get the linky love for participating. They'll be up no later than Monday, 10/24/05. Coincidentally, that's United Nations Day according to my handy-dandy desk calendar.

Al Qaeda's New Strategy

2005-10-17T12:07:00.000-07:00

A Precision Guided Humor Assignment

Greetings capitalist, infidel, pig-dogs. You sons and daughters of motherless goats, I spit *spit* in your general directions. My name is Shaikh Fuq'd Yu'MahMah, and I have hijacked this infidel's website to communicate with the cells of Al Qaeda my new strategic plan to expel your kind from the Muslim nations of the world. I thought this would be a good place to communicate from because of the imperialist propaganda spewed forth, no one would think to look here. Now, if you don't mind, I must communicate with my fellow freedom fighters.

As-salamu `alaykum to all my Muslim brethren, and death and hellfire be upon all infidels. I apologize for using the language of the infidels, but since this in English, authorities will think this is a joke.

I am going to lay out my new strategy to expel the infidel invaders from mother Iraq.

1.) Have sex with our goats for this is where we acquire our resolve, and gain practice for our seventy two virgins.

2.) Kidnap Natalie Portman and lure Hayden Christensen to our side by enticing him to revenge thus bringing him to the Dark Side.

3.) Once phase two is complete, we will have more hot goat sex.

4.) Have Christensen take a new Muslim name, Shaikh Vader.

5.) Unleash Shaikh Vader on the unsuspecting Coalition Forces.

6.) Once Shaikh Vader (Peace and blessings be upon him) expels the infidel invaders, we will have hot goat sex.

7.) Make Goats Gone Wild videos to finance our Caliphate.

As you can see my plan is fool-proof. The Jooooooos are as good as eliminated, and the invaders will be gone soon. Peace will once again thrive in the Arab World. Now if you'll excuse me, I must go prepare myself for my seventy two virgins.

Iraq Votes Again

2005-10-17T09:20:00.000-07:00

WASHINGTON, Oct. 15, 2005 Â With Iraqi election officials and Iraqi security forces leading the way, millions of Iraqis streamed to the polls today to vote on their country's constitution.

It appears that another Iraqi election has pulled significant voter turnout. Bad news for terrorists, Hollywood, the MSM, and Democrats alike. Good news for those who believe that freedom is a God-given right.

I ran acrosss the above article while perusing The GunnNutt's intellectual stylings. It really made me sit back and think how brave the Iraqi's who voted really are. Here, in the US, so many people don't go to the polls for various reasons. None of which involves the very real fear that they and their entire families may be killed and/or beheaded.

To me this is a tangible fruit of the labors of our service men and women who have fought and given the ultimate sacrifice in the Global War On Terror. Extremely brave men and women have laid down their lives to end the suffering and begin the suffrage of total strangers. Equally as brave are those common folks that have refused to be intimidated by the cowardly thugs that have ambushed, blown up, beheaded, shot and tortured people whose only crime was not wanting to be ambushed, blown up, beheaded, shot and tortured.

It appears that our fighting men and women, the Iraqi military, and Iraqi Police really increased their efforts, and did an outstanding job of protecting those that refused to kneel before the violent tactics of the murderous beyotches that would deny them self-governance.

I want to thank all our fighting men and women who answered their call to service. I want to thank God for keeping my military friends safe while they were in the premier vacation spot for the jet-set terrorists. I also want to send a shout out to the one homey of mine that's still over there. I'm not gonna put his name here without asking his permission. He's not in the military. He's training Iraqi policemen with a private company. I just want to tell you, Slapfoot, keep up the good work, and stay safe. When you get back maybe we'll go find Mr. Scott and violently shove him into the back seat of a patrol car again behind some B.S. Bench Warrant because we know he's slinging on the corner of Josh Brown and Bishop Woods just for old times' sake. And if Sarge ever makes it over there, keep him in line. My prayers are with you, and all of our military personnel, and everyone who is in harm's way in the effort to stem the tide of terror.

Smurfs Decimated, Who's Next?!

2005-10-12T11:36:00.000-07:00

With other blogs such as GOP and the City, Insolublog, and IMAO (If I missed anyone I'm sorry) blogging about the aerial bombardment of the Smurfs by George W. Bush, I am reminded of another children's TV show in desperate need of bombing. I know, many of you are thinking, "Kill those freakin' TeleTubbies!" or even, "Barney must die now!" However, my kids never thought much of TeleTubbies, and everybody under the sun has fantasized about the murder of Barney. I am pleading with Mr. Bush, and Mr. Rummsfeld to destroy The Boohbahs.

That's right! Boohbahs should die! You may be asking, "Why should the Boohbahs be killed?" For starters, my daughters have three, count them three, singing dancing Boohbahs. I only have two daughters. Next, they watch Boohbah religiously. I know the words to the stupid Boohbah song! What's worse, it sticks in your head. You walk around singing, "Boohbah, Boohbah, Boohbah" Thirdly, those things are creepy! I'm not even sure what they are supposed to be or resemble. I'll tell you what they resemble to me. They bare an uncanny resemblance to a certain part of the male anatomy. Don't believe me? You be the judge! Finally, the actors that act in the little skits, The Story People, look like a bunch of out of work pedophiles. It's truly terrifying. I'd show you pictures, but I can't find any clear ones worth posting.

I'm asking my fellow bloggers to help me in the struggle to rid the world of the evil Boohbahs. Write your senator, write your representative, write the president, write Rummy! The Boohbahs must be stopped, and they can only be defeated by swift and violent action! Anybody else you want added to the list? Might as well get 'em now while we're bombing children's TV shows.

UPDATE- I've scoured the net for pictures of The Story People, but I can't find any. I think they don't want people to see how pedophilic they look!

Columbus Remembered?

2005-10-10T12:40:00.000-07:00

Here it is, Columbus Day once again. A few bloggers have posted to remeber the discovery of America, and celebrate other Italian influences on our culture. For instance, Dr. Phat Tony gives a history lesson relative to the discovery of America. Wyatt Earp of Support Your Local Gunfighter posted some non-organized crime quotes from some famous Italians. While Lawrence Simon of IMAO had a slightly different take on the holiday.

Well, I wanted to take some time to celebrate the true reason we love Italians: The Godfather. The Godfather is filled with so many useful quotes and tips that it's a shame Columbus Day isn't renamed to Carleone Day.

Honestly, who hasn't wanted to say:

"Someday - and that day may never come - I'll call upon you to do a service for me. But until that day, accept this justice as a gift on my daughter's wedding day."

or:

"________ sleeps with the fishes"

Let's not forget how to get our godson a part in a big movie. That's right, cut the head off the producer's prize thoroughbred and place it gently in the bed next to him as he sleeps.

Or possibly the most valuable piece of advice one can take from this masterpiece: What do you do to get someone to do you a favor? You make them an offer they can't refuse.

So join me on this momentus day. Let's celebrate this wonderful contribution to the arts, and I hope your first child is a masculine child. Or am I just being silly?

Geesh, What a bunch of Hippy Dreams

2005-10-10T06:00:00.000-07:00

Man, you people need help. First it's hoo hoo dillys, now it's hippy dreams. I guess I'm gonna have to change the name of my site to Daily Fmragtops, or Fmragtops Underground. Well, I quit complaining and get to work:

jessinunu: I dream of fm wearing a tie die tux,running through a field of wild flowers, singing give peace a chance.....

Well, my love, I think this dream stems from the failure of your hippy-commy ideals, and the fact that misery loves company. You want to convert me into a miserable hippy-commy, and I won't let that happen. G-Dub rocks!!!

GunnNutt: I have nightmares of fm wearing tie dye and running thru a field in his closet being chased by a maniacally chomping stapler painted in Peter Max style all in the glow of a dozen lava lamps.

Gunn Nutt, I believe this recurring nightmare is a manifestation of your subconscious fear that Jessi may be my Delilah. Don't worry, I wear my hair high and tight.

SeanS:I had a dream I bought a brand new truck and almost got into an accident... but didn't. I like trucks!

SeanS, Thanks for not being a closet hippy. I don't really know what to say about this dream, but I like trucks too. I have one myself.

Fitch:I had a dream that your prized mantelpiece was a THC-a pet, and a deranged monley was eating it. This made the monkey even more deranged.

Fitch! Shhhhh! Man you never know what Narcs are reading this stuff. The Monkey said he ain't goin' back in no cage, and said something about killin' snitches.

Wyatt Earp:I had a dream I was The Comic Book Guy from The Simpsons, and when I woke up, I was surrounded by 100 tacos for $100.

Wyatt, not being much of a simpsons fan, I have no clue what you are talking about. The best I can tell you is don't go to Taco Bell right before bedtime.

Sorry, this dream post was really weak. I guess I have alot of stress in my personal life. Can stress cause severe stomach cramps?

Let's help terrorists celebrate the holy month of Ramadan.

2005-10-07T13:29:00.000-07:00

A Precision Guided Humor Assignment

The Alliance of Free Blogs is looking for ways to help the terrorists celebrate their holiest of holidays, Ramadan. Ramadan is all about fasting, giving to charity and blowing stuff up. In keeping with the peaceful traditions of Ramadan, I have some ideas on how to make it better for terrorists.

I say instead of fasting, our military should make Ramadan more like Christmas. You know, Santa Marine slides down the chimney of their caves and leaves them brightly colored packages containing high explosives. When the little terrorists awake from their nightly slumber and the visions of dates dancing in their heads are over, they rush to living room of their cave, and find their presents under the Ramadan tree. When they open the presents, *BOOM* and off they go to their seventy two virgins or whatever.

Or, it could be more like Easter. We could have the Ramadan SeAL hide dyed Claymore mines in the desert, and the terrorists could search for them. The Ramadan SeAL could deliver baskets of chocolate covered hand grenades (pins already pulled of course).

Then again, maybe I'm wrong. What do I know about Ramadan and Muslims and Ramadan? What do you think?

O'Reilly A Cat Hater? Filthy Lie? You be the judge.

2005-10-06T10:54:00.000-07:00

The breaking news from Dr. Phat Tony's. Apparently DPT's Cracked Research staff has uncovered evidence that Bill O'Reilly kills cats with claw hammers.

You know, I was wondering if he actually has some purpose in killing these poor unsuspecting cute cuddly animals. Maybe, like evil glenn, O'Reilly increases his dark powers by ingesting certain parts of the kitties. Maybe he smashes their heads with the hammer because viscous fluid from their eyes makes his knuckle ball of a show have less spin or some such nonesense. Who the hell does he think he is, Tim Wakefield? The spin stops here? More like the kitten stops here.

Oh, I must also warn you before you click the link to Dr. Phat Tony there is a picture of the abomination that causes desolation, Helen Thomas.

Che Guevara, What A Guy!!! I wonder what dreams he had?

2005-10-06T06:21:00.000-07:00

The people's champion, Che Guevara, was a great liberator of the people. The way he would raise the people's eyebrow while speaking, or drop the people's elbow on his enemies. He was the most electrifying man in "Red" terrorism's history.

I'm just kidding folks. Che Guevara was a murderous thug, and all those that glorify his name by wearing his shirt are worthless wastes of space and oxygen. I had y'all going for a minute, right? Y'all thought the hippy 'tang had twisted my mind. No chance. If James Carville couldn't twist His wife's mind. I think I am safe.

Anyways...Dream time again. If you'd like, leave me your dreams in the comment section, and Monday morning I will interpret them. Maybe I can get Tim to help this week, but he was pretty traumatized by all the hoo hoo dilly stuff in those dreams. If he doesn't get over that soon, I'll have to replace him. I've got a stapler that looks pretty interesting.

Whew! Finally

2005-10-03T10:24:00.000-07:00

Sorry for the long delay! Had a problem with the ole internet service provider. Something to do with static IP addresses and various other technical information I have absolutely no clue about. All I know is, I have been without the internet for better than a week, and I finally have regained access. Woo Hoo!!!!

So, what's happened while I was gone?

1. LSU lets a 21 point halftime lead slip away against Tennessee. WTF? Nick Saban would have had an aneurysm.

2. Yankees win the A.L. East Title. See my comments here.

3. LSU totally annhilates Mississippi State. WOO HOO I feel much better now. The team that really scares me this year is Alabama. They look scary good.

4. I'm not sure how many splodeytards have been wasted by our military machine, but I'm sure it's been an @$$load.

Did I miss anything?

A Shameful Admission

2005-09-23T13:35:00.000-07:00

Well everyone, there's something I must tell y'all. It may come as a suprise to y'all, so sit down, and don't drink anything while you read this. Jessinunu, and I are about to begin living in sin. Yup, I'm shacking up with a moonbat.

Just to help y'all understand, the reason I never said we were dating before is because her ex-husband is kinda whacko, and she didn't wanna set him off. She's not as much of a moonbat as y'all might think. She mostly posted that stuff to pick with me, but when everybody came to my defense, thanks guys, she decided not to post her joking crazyness anymore. I didn't want anybody to think I was getting her to play troll to get visits and links, and she didn't want to set off her ex.

We're no longer on the DL or the QT and miss VIP is gonna be on KP at my house. I just wanted to let y'all know because I felt kinda guilty that y'all were helping defend me, and she was just playing.

Hurricane Rita

2005-09-23T08:36:00.000-07:00

In case you were wondering, I am not in the path of Rita though we are catching some of the more outlying feeder bands. The weather is kinda yuck, but we are not expecting any serious damage. I did just hear that New Orleans has just suffered another major levee breach.

I just wanted to let y'all know so you don't worry about me. There is going to be a lot more people that need your thoughts and prayers more than I will. Since it is likely that I will be out of power in the near future, I will put up a couple posts that I wrote, but never actually posted for one reason or another.

How I Feel About Liberals

2005-09-22T10:20:00.000-07:00

Caution Strong Language Not Intended For Children!!!!

This is kinda different than my usual writings. I have often wanted to sum up my feelings about liberals and put it into words here. However, I have found that someone else has committed my feelings to words better than I ever could. Don't read on if profane language upsets you.

Since you never gave a damn in the first place/
Maybe its time you had the tables turned
Cuz in the interest of all involved
I got the problem solved
And the verdict is guilty......
Man nearly killed me/
Steppin' where you fear to tread/
Stop, drop, and roll - you were dead from the git-go!/
Big mouth fucker, stupid cocksucker/
Are you scared of me now? Then you're dumber than I thought/
Always is and never was/
Foundation made of piss and vinegar
Step to me, I'll smear ya - think I fear ya? Bullshit!/
Just another dumb punk chompin' at this tit/
Is there anyway to break through the noise?/
Was it something that I said that got you bent?/
Its gotta be that way if you want it/
Sanity, literal profanity - hit me!/

Spit it out/
All you wanna do is drag me down/
All I wanna do is stamp you out/

Maybe its the way you gotta spread a lotta rumor fodder/
Keepin' all your little spies and leavin' when you realize/
Step up, fairy/
I guess its time to bury your ass with the chrome straight to the dome/
You heard me right bitch, I didn't stutter/
And if you know whats good just shut up and beg, brother/
Backstab - don't you know who you're dissin'?/
Side swipe - we know the ass that you're kissin'!....
Bigity-biggidy bitch boy, halfway houser/
Don't hear shit cuz I keeps gettin' louder/
Come up and you get a face full o' tactic/
Lippin' off hard, goin' home in a basket/
You got no pull, no power no nothin'/
Now you start shit? Well ain't that something?/
Payoffs don't protect and you can hide if you want/
But I'll find you - comin' up behind you!/

'Bout time I set this record straight/
Cuz all the needlenose punchin' is makin' me irate/
Sick o' my bitchin' fallin' on deaf ears/
Where you gonna be in the next five years?/
The crew and all the fools and all the politix/
Get your lips ready, gonna gag, gonna make you sick/
You got dick when they passed out the good stuff/
Bam - are you sick of me?/Good enough - had enough/

FUCK ME I"M ALL OUTTA ENEMIES
FUCK ME I'M ALL OUTTA ENEMIES
FUCK ME I'M ALL OUTTA ENEMIES

"Spit It Out "

by: Slipknot

After reading that again, I realized that this pretty much applies to the terrorists too. This song ROCKS!!!!

Total BS: Redux

2005-09-19T12:00:00.000-07:00

Since my first interview with Brittaney Spears was so well received, I thought it necessary to interview her again now that she is a new mom. I read that Brittaney's spokespersons aren't commenting, but Brittaney and I have history. Plus, I know some guys in the Kentwood Police Department that know somebody, that knows Brittaney's cousin's hairstylist's dog groomer. And Brittaney thinks I am kinda cute, so I was able to land the interview. The following is a transcript of the interview:

Me: So, Brittaney, has life been hectic since the "new arrival?"

B.S.: Shoot yes it's been hectic. I been havin' ta tell the nanny to take care of the kid, and tell the maids to clean up. Shoot, it's hard work overseein' stuff like that.

Me: So how's your husband dealing with things now that he's a father....again?

B.S.: He's so dad gum lazy. He ain't told nobody to do nothin' once since we've been back. Can you believe that? I mean, I thought we could split the child raizen stuff between us, ya know, like he tells the maids what to do, and I tell the nanny what to do, but it ain't worked like that.

Me: So how did you and Mr. Federline decide on the baby's name?

B.S.: Me and who?

Me: Your husband?

B.S.: Oh, you mean sweet britches? Well, that name is the name of my cousin's hairdresser's dog. I just thought it sounded cool. Sweet britches ain't had much say so in the name thing. I'm the one payin' the bills ya know.

Me: True dat, yo. When do you plan on continuing your career? (please say never...)

B.S.: Whenever this here scar heals up, and I get the stretch-marks to go away so I can show my belly again. Hey, ain't you that same feller that interviewed me awhile back.

Me: Yeah, I'm shocked you remember.

B.S.: Now how could I fergit a sexy thang like you? Did you ever finish washing your hair?

Me: Uh........No? Brittaney, I don't like that look in your eye. You know women's hormones go crazy after they have a baby. Besides, you got that c-section scar thing happening.

B.S.: Shoot, the staples aren't bleeding that much anymore.

Me: Oh my god, it's Justin Timberlake!

B.S.: Alright! Menage a trois!

*Brittaney turns to look for Justin Timberlake, and I run like a scalded dog!*

Whew! That was a harrowing experience! I barely got out of there my virginity still intact. Well, I hope you enjoyed reading about my latest visit with Brittaney.

NOTE:This was total BS. If you believe any of this crap you should kill yourself now in a very violent and painful way as to protect the rest of the gene pool.

Why Is Everyone Dreaming of Hoo Hoo Dillys?

2005-09-19T06:42:00.000-07:00

Tim the Enchanted Tape Dispenser and I have been discussing it, and we have come to the conclusion that we are worried. Tim and I are not very comfortable talking about hoo hoo dillys(or would the plural be hoo hoos dilly?), but since we made a promise we will keep it. For future reference we would like to make our readers aware that we prefer to talk about snoonies if at all possible. Snoonies and boobies. However, since it is our job to entertain our readers, we will discuss whatever you like. Just remember that we prefer snoonies to hoo hoo dillys. Now, without further ado, your dreams interpreted...again:

I have this dream where I'm at work and I'm not wearing pants. I like it.
SeanS

Well, SeanS, apparently you feel trapped in your current job, and you are looking for freedom. You feel like there is nothing there that you can control, so you have this dream of showing off your hoo hoo dilly at work, and it makes you feel free. Either that or there is some hottie you work with that you wish she could see your hoo hoo dilly. Take your pick. Just remember: snoonies and boobies.

I have this dream where a commenter on someone else's site is constantly commenting on my hoo hoo dilly.
Dr. Phat Tony

I guess the first question I should ask is are these comments positive or negative. If the comments are positive, then that would suggest a deep need for you to feel like you could lure commenters away from other sites with the sheer presence of your hoo hoo dilly. If the comments are negative, it would suggest that your hoo hoo dilly has been naughty, and you haven't punished it yet. If that is the case, make sure to punish your hoo hoo dilly immediately, and be sure that your next dream involves snoonies, and boobies. NO MORE HOO HOO DILLYS!!!

I had a dream where I was laid off in favor of a deranged monkey who was wearing no pants and pointing at his hoo hoo dilly.
Fitch

Fitch, Fitch, Fitch....I don't know what to think about that one. Tim, what do you think?.....What's that?.....Good point....Ah ha!.....Did you hear that Fitch. Man, Tim is something else.

I had a dream that someone commented that my doctor was not a real MD, and since he wasn't wearing pants I could see his hoo hoo dilly and the monkey laughed.
GunnNutt

Well, GN, You need to quit fantasizing about playing doctor with DPT, and the freakin' monkey. That's just sick...Wait...hold on...Tim, come back!!!! Damn it! Tim's runnoft (That's "run off" for those of you not from the south) He was screaming incoherently about hoo hoo dillys.

I dream I am standing next to a faux doctor and a laughing monkey. They are pointing at something. But, its to small to see.
jessinunu

Everybody's playing Dr. with DPT and the freakin' monkey, even my commie hippie girlfriend. I can't freakin' believe it.

I had a dream Kofi Annon was trying to steal my truck and all I could do was whip 5lb olympic dumbbell weight plates at him like Frizbees, from my deck.
Insolublog

Look, a dream with no hoo hoo dillys ^....Insolublog, do you live in New Orleans? If so, this dream could be a manifestation of your inner fear that the UN might send "peacekeepers" into New Orleans. If not, the dream could mean that you hate Kofi Annon, and you want to fling 5lb dumbbell weights at him, and the vehicle theft just justifies you firing those plates at him. That sounds like fun.

I dream I shoot Michael Moore, and it just makes him more smelly and powerful. And more of a homo, too.

What can it mean?
jimmyb

Is it possible that it means you dreamed that you shot Michael Moore, and it just made him more smelly and powerful. And more of a homo, too. In that case it makes me think that you are scared of Michael Moore. I don't guess I blame you. If the structural integrity of his skin is compromised, I'm sure it would cause one hell of a stinky explosion. It could cause him to lose weight as well which could land him a date with all of the Fab 5.

Alright Tim, you can come back now! All the repressed homosexuality is finis...oops, did I say that out loud?

NOTE: Remember folks, SNOONIES and BOOBIES.

Dream Interpretation Again?

2005-09-15T11:02:00.000-07:00

I haven't posted about this yet because it's been kind of a sad subject for me. I had a hard time dealing with this, but I am past it now. While I was in Memphis on business, hurricane Katrina started her deadly march to Louisiana. I wasn't home to take care of Tim the Enchanted Tape Dispenser. When the news was telling people to evacuate, all Tim heard was Hurricane, and New Orleans, so he went to Pat O'Brien's on Bourbon St.

I know what you're thinkin', "How can you be up to interpreting dreams so soon after losing Tim to Hurricane Katrina?" Well, I have good news! I just saved a ... nevermind. Anyways, I recently made a trip to the cow pasture after the rain, and then it was on to the Astrodome. Once at the Astrodome, I waded through the masses of evacuated peoples. I was searching high and low for any clue as to Tim's whereabouts, I mean, after all, it's gotta be hard to miss an intoxicated tape dispenser destroying hippies with great vengeance and furious anger.

After wading for awhile, I got hungry, so I snacked on those nifty pasture mushrooms I had collected before my trip. Then, I ran into Sam Kennison. "Sam", I said, "Have you seen an ambulatory, drunk, hippie killing, tape dispenser?" Mr. Kennison shouted, "OHHHHH, OHHHH, THAT FREAKIN' THING HAS BEEN FOLLOWING ME AROUND TRYING TO BURN MY HAIR!!!! AAAAAAAAHHHHHH YOU BETTER GET THAT M*T#E^ F@C&ER AWAY FROM ME!!!!!"

And then, from behind Sam Kennison's bloated, maggot infested corpse, I saw him. It was Tim, and he was still alive. It was a touching Kodak moment. Tim going through the DTs, and puking, and I was crying like a little girl.

So there you have it folks. Tim and I are together again. Like Glover and Gibson, Wilder and Pryor, Lewis and Martin, we're back. So go ahead, leave us your most troubling and disturbing dreams, and we'll interpret them. Leave your dreams in the comments section before Sunday, 9/17/05. I'll try to have them up by the following Monday. If you participate, I'll pass out the linky love.

What Aid Will The UN Offer Katrina Survivors (PGHA)

2005-09-14T13:19:00.000-07:00

A Precision Guided Humor Assignment

Since Hurricane Katrina I've been wondering what the member states of the UN are proposing to do to help my fellow statesmen that have lost their homes, their families, and their city. Luckily, my trained surveillance dung beatle, Algore, has finished digesting his last assignment, and ready to chew on this one.

The following is a partial list of countries, and what aid they have pledged to provide as overheard by Algore:

China: .... (Initially they were going to donate cosmetics for the unemployed hookers, but Bolton read Darth Misha's post on China today, and figured it wasn't a good idea.)

Russia: .... (They initially wanted to donate some nuclear power plants, but Bolton thought it was a bad idea)

France: .... (They figured they donated enough culture and that culture should suffice)

Germany: .... (They had offered to set up "internment camps" for refugees, but Israel just looked at them all crazy, and they decided against it.)

Canada: .... (Bolton tried to send them some refugees, but Canada figured it was hard enough to get the Acadians out of Nova Scotia the first time anhd they didn't want to go through that again.)

Mexico: .... (They offered some temporary work visas, but Bolton killed Mexico's diplomat with force lightening for the mere suggestion.)

After all the help we've given them, this is the thanks we get? Oh well, I guess I'd rather no help as opposed to a UN security force looting and raping with the rest of the thugs down there.

Well, Algore needs a nap after a big meal like that.