Wednesday, April 05, 2006

[Indescribable] A Brief History of F M Ragtops

For those of you who do not know Monsieur F.M. Ragtops is a native of Louisiana. Now we're talking French here, but there's a difference between ordinary French and Cajun French, and Mssr. Ragtops is the latter.

You see, French of the traditional surrender monkey variety, are from France, where they get 26 weeks paid vacation, and have laws against firing the incompetent. They also have short work weeks, as an effort to reduce unemployment. The thinking being that if everyone only works 20 hours a week, then you need to hire twice as many people. The fact that they are already half as productive, by default seems to escape them.

Louisiana French, however are descendants of a rare breed of Frenchmen. Their ancestors had to have courage, survival skills, a sense of adventure, and a set of balls big enough to face hostile Natives demanding they pay up on their gambling debts. Think about it, the mere voyage across the Atlantic was treacherous. So while the cowards stayed at home, surrendering to... Everything, a few courageous Frenchmen settled in America.

The French, in France, also did their best to lop off the heads of anyone with any sense of silly concepts like freedom, and liberty. This had a serious negative impact on the gene pool as well. So that's a little background on FM's cultural heritage.

Now, back to FM himself. Despite those who surmise that his name means F*** Them Ragtops (ragheads), or those who think it might have to do with enjoying listening to FM radio in his convertible (ragtop), his name actually is F.M. Ragtops. That's right. Francois Maurice Ragtops - pronounced Razh-Toe. Little known, but entirely true.

FM was born in a swamp, or as they call them, bayou. I mean IN a swamp. It's common practice in the area, that when a child is to be born, the pregnant mother rows out in a small boat, and when the child is born, it must first survive the swamp, and all it's dangers on it's own, thus proving it's worth. If the child succumbs to drowning, or crocs, it is considered "too French," and is not even mourned.

The next 20 some years are a bit sketchy, but ultimately, he rose to the lower middle of the blog O'sphere, had kids, lots of bad relationships, and started claiming his name was Brant. Yeah right. Lot's of French named Brant. Got a bridge to sell me too, FM?

So there you have it, the history of F.M.Ragtops, as brought to you by Radioactive Liberty Industries. Hopefully now, you're just a little bit dumber smarter.