The End Of Fmragtops
I'm calling it quits today. At least for awhile, but before I go, I want to let you all in on some of the matter that composes who I am.
As a child, I was always learning on a more advanced level than most of the other kids. I was over weight, and I was that kid that was always turning his tests in before everybody else. My teachers always told me that I had a God-given gift for learning. I won't say which teachers told me that so they don't get burned at the stake by the ACLU.
I grew faster than most of the other kids too. I was at almost the hight I am now by the time I was a freshman in highschool. By that time I was almost six feet tall and weighed 160 lbs. Growing that fast made me clumsy. It took awhile for my coordination to catch up to my body, but the highschool football coach saw me in a summer weight-lifting class, and I guess he thought I was going to keep growing until I was eighteen. He came and told me to come play ball for him.
Once I started playing football, I realized I was stronger than most of the other kids my age. Once my coordination caught up with me, I could run with most of the defensive backs that were my age. But, when I quit growing, and all the other kids I used to be bigger than got bigger than me, I became indifferent to football. That led me to my favorite sport to compete in, Bullriding.
By the time I was in college, I was a passable bullrider. I never truly committed myself to school because I had to concentrate I rode some, got bucked off some. Won some money, but probably spent way more than I won. I got face smashed, broke my leg, broke my foot, but kept plugging along. I competed for a very short time in the PBR. Eventually, I realized I would never be the next Tuff Hedeman, so I hung up my spurs, and tried to rededicate myself to school.
At twenty one, I was offered a job in law enforcement. I had never given much thought to being a police officer, but I decided to give it a try. Once I graduated the academy, and started working, I realized I was where I was meant to be. I was working for one of the more highly paid departments in the state. After a year and a half, I took the Sgt. exam, and was beat out by only one person. A veteran officer that had prior military, plain clothes, and supervisory experience. He's now a Lt.
Because of my high score on the Sgt. exam, I was made a field training officer. I got to train the new recruits who had just graduated the academy. I loved my job. I got disgruntled and disinterested at times, but I could never see myself working anywhere else. C'mon, where else could drive really fast, beat people up, and do something that truly made a major impact on my community.
During that time, I had also gotten married. We eventually had two beautiful children. I was loving life. Then, my wife got into a traffice accident. She started taking pain pills. As time went on, I noticed she was taking more and more medication. She got to the point where she was leaving the kids at the babysitter's for days at a time while I was at work. When I came home, she'd be passed out and barely breathing. I had sunk so low, that when I would hear her lungs rattling because she was so high on pills, I would pray that she would just die. I came from a broken home, so I felt it would be easier to explain to my kids that Mommy was with Jesus than to have to explain to them why Mommy and Daddy couldn't live together any more.
Eventually she got into an accident with my two year old daughter in her car. Then she got arrested for DWI. I realized it was no longer safe for my kids to be around her. I put her through rehab twice. After her first stint in rehab, the morning she got out, she and some crack whore she met in rehab got in wreck in a known drug area. I realized there was nothing more I could do for her, and left. That was almost two years ago.
Once I left, I filed for and obtained custody of my kids. I realized that the 12 hour shifts I was working were not going to allow me to raise my kids. They would also make it hard for me retain custody of kids. The department was in a budget crunch. There was no upward mobility at the department. I spoke with the rank, and at the time, they could offer no solutions. I had to find another job. So I got a job as a regulatory investigator with the state. A lowly desk job, that paid less than what I was making at the Sheriff's office.
I started dating again, and eventually met someone who should be familiar to you, Jessi. Jessi is the perfect woman. She is a great mom, she's very attractive, and was seemingly totally devoted to me. She was not without baggage, however. But because of my emotional scars from my failed marriage, and the obligatory jading that just comes with six years of working in law enforcement, I hurt her, I marginilized her, and took her for granted. Now she too is gone.
So here I stand. Emotionally broken, and dead. Completely devoid of feeling. I am so emotionally exhausted. I am no longer passionate about anything, and I can't bring myself to continue blogging. At least for now. I can't say that I am giving up blogging for good, but I am going on an extended leave of absence. I am sorry to all of you who have continued to read my sorry attempts at humor, and those of you that tried to console me when things started going downhill. I wish the best of luck to all of you, and I will miss our daily hashing out of events. One day I may return, but for now goodbye.
And so I leave you with the lyrics to Mudvayne's IMN. Caution, the language is very graphic:
No, I'm not going to kill myself. I just feel like I am already dead. I'm sorry guys.
As a child, I was always learning on a more advanced level than most of the other kids. I was over weight, and I was that kid that was always turning his tests in before everybody else. My teachers always told me that I had a God-given gift for learning. I won't say which teachers told me that so they don't get burned at the stake by the ACLU.
I grew faster than most of the other kids too. I was at almost the hight I am now by the time I was a freshman in highschool. By that time I was almost six feet tall and weighed 160 lbs. Growing that fast made me clumsy. It took awhile for my coordination to catch up to my body, but the highschool football coach saw me in a summer weight-lifting class, and I guess he thought I was going to keep growing until I was eighteen. He came and told me to come play ball for him.
Once I started playing football, I realized I was stronger than most of the other kids my age. Once my coordination caught up with me, I could run with most of the defensive backs that were my age. But, when I quit growing, and all the other kids I used to be bigger than got bigger than me, I became indifferent to football. That led me to my favorite sport to compete in, Bullriding.
By the time I was in college, I was a passable bullrider. I never truly committed myself to school because I had to concentrate I rode some, got bucked off some. Won some money, but probably spent way more than I won. I got face smashed, broke my leg, broke my foot, but kept plugging along. I competed for a very short time in the PBR. Eventually, I realized I would never be the next Tuff Hedeman, so I hung up my spurs, and tried to rededicate myself to school.
At twenty one, I was offered a job in law enforcement. I had never given much thought to being a police officer, but I decided to give it a try. Once I graduated the academy, and started working, I realized I was where I was meant to be. I was working for one of the more highly paid departments in the state. After a year and a half, I took the Sgt. exam, and was beat out by only one person. A veteran officer that had prior military, plain clothes, and supervisory experience. He's now a Lt.
Because of my high score on the Sgt. exam, I was made a field training officer. I got to train the new recruits who had just graduated the academy. I loved my job. I got disgruntled and disinterested at times, but I could never see myself working anywhere else. C'mon, where else could drive really fast, beat people up, and do something that truly made a major impact on my community.
During that time, I had also gotten married. We eventually had two beautiful children. I was loving life. Then, my wife got into a traffice accident. She started taking pain pills. As time went on, I noticed she was taking more and more medication. She got to the point where she was leaving the kids at the babysitter's for days at a time while I was at work. When I came home, she'd be passed out and barely breathing. I had sunk so low, that when I would hear her lungs rattling because she was so high on pills, I would pray that she would just die. I came from a broken home, so I felt it would be easier to explain to my kids that Mommy was with Jesus than to have to explain to them why Mommy and Daddy couldn't live together any more.
Eventually she got into an accident with my two year old daughter in her car. Then she got arrested for DWI. I realized it was no longer safe for my kids to be around her. I put her through rehab twice. After her first stint in rehab, the morning she got out, she and some crack whore she met in rehab got in wreck in a known drug area. I realized there was nothing more I could do for her, and left. That was almost two years ago.
Once I left, I filed for and obtained custody of my kids. I realized that the 12 hour shifts I was working were not going to allow me to raise my kids. They would also make it hard for me retain custody of kids. The department was in a budget crunch. There was no upward mobility at the department. I spoke with the rank, and at the time, they could offer no solutions. I had to find another job. So I got a job as a regulatory investigator with the state. A lowly desk job, that paid less than what I was making at the Sheriff's office.
I started dating again, and eventually met someone who should be familiar to you, Jessi. Jessi is the perfect woman. She is a great mom, she's very attractive, and was seemingly totally devoted to me. She was not without baggage, however. But because of my emotional scars from my failed marriage, and the obligatory jading that just comes with six years of working in law enforcement, I hurt her, I marginilized her, and took her for granted. Now she too is gone.
So here I stand. Emotionally broken, and dead. Completely devoid of feeling. I am so emotionally exhausted. I am no longer passionate about anything, and I can't bring myself to continue blogging. At least for now. I can't say that I am giving up blogging for good, but I am going on an extended leave of absence. I am sorry to all of you who have continued to read my sorry attempts at humor, and those of you that tried to console me when things started going downhill. I wish the best of luck to all of you, and I will miss our daily hashing out of events. One day I may return, but for now goodbye.
And so I leave you with the lyrics to Mudvayne's IMN. Caution, the language is very graphic:
Suicide
Don't give a fuck about this
My life or any other
Just go away and let me hang
Impossible to forgive, forget it, murderer
I'm in control
Living a lie
Make you pay at all cost for this
Love sick
Bullshit
Bring it
Decisions making themselves
I don't need you
Thorns in my side
So I die
No one
No one could ever understand
My life's exhausted
No one
No one could ever understand
This life IMN
Determined
To bring you all down with me
Break you
Beat down
No more fucking empathy
From me, for you
Fed up i've had enough
Duality
My war
Existence
Instigated controversy
Lay down
Sell out
So wrong
Drag the blade and go away
I stand, cold cruel and lost
Take me I'm ready
No one
No one could ever understand
My life's exhausted
No one
No one could ever understand
Pressure constricting
So hard
Like a stone
Fight hard
Break bones break
No one
No one could ever understand
This life IMN
Your pressure
My time
Eroding
My life
Fight for your honesty
Fight for integrity
All work and no play...
All work and no play makes me...
All work and no play makes me SICK!
I want to eat a bullet
Carve myself
Beat my face
Catotonic
Dig my brain
No pain! suffocate!
Stomach aches
Don't give a fuck
I'm out, I'm done
Fuck this shit
You've dug the hole
I'm lying in
No one could ever understand
No one could ever understand
Fight for your honesty
Fight for integrity
No one
No one could ever understand
My life's exhausted
No one
No one could ever understand
Pressure constricting
So hard
Like a stone
Fight hard
Break bones break
No one
No one could ever understand
This life, IMN
My world
My rules
My noose
My world
My rules
Fuck you
My world
My rules
My noose
My world
My rules
Fuck you
No, I'm not going to kill myself. I just feel like I am already dead. I'm sorry guys.
posted by fmragtops at 5:45 AM
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